Unmasking Imitation Self-Care Part 2
Kate Aldrich:
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:
Let’s start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One. Welcome back. We are so glad to be here. That sounded like welcome back, Cotter.
Kate Aldrich:
What’s welcome back, Cotter, oh see, I’m older than you.
Brad Aldrich:
I used to watch reruns, Babe you’re 17 months older than me.
Kate Aldrich:
Like let’s not make it sound like you’re like seven.
Brad Aldrich:
Welcome back. There are people on this show who have no idea what I’m talking about, and there are some that loved that old TV show.
Kate Aldrich:
Both of us grew up only two miles from each other for most of our childhood at least, Brad, third grade on in my whole life and we had the same crappy TV coverage because neither of our parents would ever pay for cable and I lived out where you couldn’t get cable, until I graduated college.
Brad Aldrich:
It was John Travolta’s first TV show I never, I’ve never.
Kate Aldrich:
I do not know what you’re talking about.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, so it was from 1975. So I only watched it on reruns.
Kate Aldrich:
This is often what we do. What channel was it on 57? I have no idea. But it wasn’t like the main channels, right.
Brad Aldrich:
It ran from 75 to 79. So I only saw it. It was a school-based.
Kate Aldrich:
You watched it after school.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, it was definitely after school.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay.
Brad Aldrich:
But it was a teacher and he was teaching the rough kids and it was really funny, so it’s like the first Saved by the Bell. Yeah, kind of Kind of. I mean, there’s probably some elements of that, yeah, anyway, okay, okay, just the way you said welcome back made me think of it. So some of you are like I have no idea what we’re talking about and some of you just went down memory lane with me, so there you go like we literally had, I think, five tv channels right yeah, now you’re making us just sound and and we had to get up and change the channel.
Kate Aldrich:
My kids are all like what it’s like. Yeah, guys, I mean later in teen years we had remotes, but not as kids.
Brad Aldrich:
No, it was fun times guys. This actually transitioned perfectly well into our continuation.
Kate Aldrich:
Are we talking about TV?
Brad Aldrich:
Well we are. We’re going to talk about some of TV because we’re talking about imitation, self-care and how that is impacting our marriages.
Kate Aldrich:
I’m sorry, I’ve got to be honest. Every time I hear this phrase, I think of imitation crab meat.
Brad Aldrich:
Well it’s, and I do want to know how many have that coping strategy of imitation crab meat.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay, it’s pretty similar.
Brad Aldrich:
Like it’s there and it’s okay, but it’s not great and it really doesn’t meet the goal of crab meat right.
Kate Aldrich:
I remember when we were dating and your family loved it.
Brad Aldrich:
They did.
Kate Aldrich:
And they made a really yummy salad with it and and I was just like wow, where did you get like crab meat that’s so like plentiful, because I remember picking crab meat out of crabs growing up and I’m like this is like, this is insane, like you get like a golf ball size of meat and anyways, and he’s like well, it, it’s imitation and I was like what?
Brad Aldrich:
is it then?
Kate Aldrich:
Like I was like, if it’s not crab what is? It. So, anyways, imitation crab meat.
Brad Aldrich:
All right, no imitation self-care Okay Right, and we’re saying the reason that we’re talking about this and the reason I think it’s such an important topic is because these are things that we go to in our marriage that aren’t horrible, but they actually don’t give us the connection or the care that we’re seeking.
Kate Aldrich:
Right and, as we said, they’re often we said last podcast they’re often recreating the trauma or trying to reverse it or fix it in some way, like it’s often addressing directly what’s happened to you, even though it doesn’t seem that way logically yes so which one are we talking?
Brad Aldrich:
about. So we’re talking about a couple. Um, we’re going to talk about some of the mental escapes. Last time we talked about sex and food, or porn and food and some of those kind of things this time I wanted to talk, at least start talking about, like some of the mental escapes that we do.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, that was mine was kind of in that, though, when I shared my story.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, that’s right Part of it was definitely mental. I think now today, the two most common I think now today, the two most common are binge-watching and mindless social media scrolling.
Kate Aldrich:
And you’re right, our TV really does bring up this subject, because there was no binge-watching, nothing.
Brad Aldrich:
No, no, in the past there wasn’t, but now that’s what everyone does.
Kate Aldrich:
You had one show, guys, and you had to wait a whole week for another show and then, when you got to the season being done on a cliffhanger, you had to wait like five months for it to continue.
Brad Aldrich:
This says something about one of our sons, but I remember introducing MASH to one of our kids who is just that type, and I loved MASH growing up. It was so wonderful and I remember going through the episodes with him over time and going at one point going oh, I don’t think I ever saw this episode and he was like what do you mean?
Kate Aldrich:
I’m like well, that’s just not how episodes worked back then we had a TV guide and sometimes we were doing something else and you couldn’t watch your favorite show. Okay, so binge watching. So are you saying the binge watching and scrolling are wrong?
Brad Aldrich:
It’s not necessarily wrong, but I think there is a place where sometimes they are avoiding real life stresses and it is a way to avoid connection or overwhelm, to avoid each other.
Kate Aldrich:
Mm-hmm. Well, and here’s the challenge, with a lot of things we’re going to talk about I think we said this last time, but if we didn’t, some things really have no value ever, such as, sadly, pornography, drugs, people who have an alcohol addiction. There are some things that you can’t dabble in and they’re okay, yeah, right, and that’s not to judge those things. They were really helpful for that person, as we said, who knows what their life would look like without them, but they do only bring a destructive pattern for that person.
Kate Aldrich:
Um because some people can drink alcohol and it’s fine Drugs, I think have its own discussion, but anyways, just remembering that. But a lot of what we’re going to talk about food binge watching, like um scrolling on social media everybody does that, or not everybody, most people. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever do it it’s just.
Brad Aldrich:
What role does it play and when is it coming out and when is it happening?
Kate Aldrich:
and are you actually cognizant? Yeah right, because self-care is choosing to go to something, choosing to spend a amount of time with it and coming out of it feeling better or rested or like a breath of fresh air, I’m ready to do something Right.
Brad Aldrich:
And so many times these imitation self-care are the opposite. We end up, out of them, feeling worse. Like the imitation crab meat feeling worse, like the imitation crab meat just kidding, no, but I think that’s that’s a good sign that maybe our self-care wasn’t that healthy is.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, after consuming it we feel worse, more tired or more tired, drained more depressed, more like physically, like you just don’t feel and, and I want to add, when you do something good, it doesn’t. We don’t want to paint the impression that the world is all flowers and roses when we say you feel a little better, a breath of fresh air.
Brad Aldrich:
No, you feel that little you feel that notch up of better right right, not 20.
Kate Aldrich:
20 notches. That’s not how it works, but that’s often what people perceive in their brain and then they get discouraged because they aren’t 20 notches up. So maybe I wasn’t actually doing something good for me, and so remember, it’s like a notch, it’s like, okay, I feel a little bit better, so yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
I think and here’s some of the difference, right, I can remember oh I don’t know a couple months ago I was just having a rough week and having a rough time and I did take a weekend and binge watch the first two extended release episodes of the Lord of the Rings? Yes, Right, and I still haven’t gotten to episode three. I need to watch that one Bummer. But like there’s a place for this and that’s why I want to like go on both sides. There’s a place of like. I just need a mental escape.
Brad Aldrich:
And it’s going to be a time and it’s going to be like a place, and so I don’t want to totally say this is horrible, because I think it’s okay, even as a couple, to go. Oh my gosh, it’s been a lot.
Brad Aldrich:
let’s just sit down and watch a show together, let’s just like it’s okay but, I think there’s so many times where things like binge watching are really more about avoiding and running away from and not wanting to think and not wanting to engage, and they’re not actually helping right, yeah, so what do you think?
Kate Aldrich:
like, I also think there’s thoughts on content oh right, sure I think what we tend to go to gives gives us some clues to some things. Right, curiosities, it’s not again we’re not judging, we’re not like oh you, curiosities, it’s not again, we’re not judging, we’re not like oh, you want to watch that. Like it’s not like that. And there shouldn’t be contempt and I know you and I spent years being contemptuous for what the other one wanted to go to, because I think we saw it as a comparison. Well, we tend to do opposite.
Kate Aldrich:
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich:
You tend to go to comfort shows Okay Shows that show.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay, well, we’re not talking about the most recent years, though, right.
Brad Aldrich:
No.
Kate Aldrich:
Because that has changed. I have been very clear with the amount of tension, trauma in our home, I can’t watch anything angsty, Right Like that stuff is just. It actually just gets my body going and I’m like nope.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
But you mean like earlier.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I think even earlier you went to things that were comfort for you in one way or another. Good endings, right.
Kate Aldrich:
Fun shows, laughter, I mean. I think I’m still like that.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, you are.
Kate Aldrich:
But I used to love historical stuff because I love studying history with you. That’s actually a commonality we have. So we’d watch lots of war ones, that kind of stuff that didn’t always obviously end well.
Brad Aldrich:
I tend to do the more and this is a theme and it is something I’ve I’ve been aware of, of I tend to do more of the angsty, uh, drama and sometimes that place of, yes, psychological thrillers, that kind of thing that is like oh man, I’m not as messed up as they are, like that’s part of the draw, almost Like you watch.
Brad Aldrich:
Okay, I’m just going to throw out this show that you know I like to watch sometimes of like hoarders, right, I find it fascinating and the psychology of it I find fascinating. But there is a reason that show is popular because it’s like oh well, I’m not as bad as that, like yeah, unfortunately it makes me sad for them, of course.
Kate Aldrich:
We’re then getting entertainment off of someone’s.
Brad Aldrich:
I mean hoarders is huge trauma like you want to talk about enormous trauma right like this, just the way to deal with it.
Kate Aldrich:
So I think like, yeah, I mean, I don’t mind watching some of those things with you. Um, I’m not a huge, I’ve never been a huge reality tv, and I kind of put that in the genre because the people are current telling you their story yeah like that kind of stuff, but anyways, but I think one of the yeah, I mean we’re’re sitting here doing a podcast.
Brad Aldrich:
We need to pull that in. Like one of the most popular forms of podcasts are like murder mysteries.
Kate Aldrich:
I don’t get that.
Brad Aldrich:
Well, and what I have heard, there’s some research that says the most common people to listen to them are single women, and it is almost like a cautionary tale of like what are the things that I need to be aware of to be safe? I suppose right, and in some ways also like well, man, my life’s not as messed up as that kind of thing.
Kate Aldrich:
Just for clarity’s sake, is a murder mystery podcast just like reading a murder mystery book?
Brad Aldrich:
No, often it’s like real life going through real life cases where this happened and that kind of stuff. Yeah, and trying to figure out whodunit. You know those kind of. So there’s a mystery part to it of like we don’t know who did it. But I have listened to some but because I love the psychology of some of that, you like figuring out mysteries?
Kate Aldrich:
I don’t. Oh my gosh yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, but that’s the thing we can look at. Why are we going to this content?
Kate Aldrich:
Right Back to the original point. Right, the original point here.
Brad Aldrich:
What is it that we’re doing?
Kate Aldrich:
That draws me to this.
Brad Aldrich:
To this.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, and do you think those types of things? You called mine comfort. I think that’s interesting. I guess there’s comfort in that there’s no angst. It’s mostly, you know, happy endings kind of things. I do not watch just romance by any means. I like series that don’t. I mean, usually that’s a part of life, but do you think that there’s the angsty ones? People want to keep their body on humming.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I think there’s a part where we’re used to the cortisol level, we’re used to the stress level, and so we’re watching something. That is that. In fact, you know, there’s been some interesting articles I’ve seen recently about like hey, if we’re going to serious drama to relax, we need to look at why, because I think it’s saying something about our overall stress level.
Kate Aldrich:
That is probably not a healthy thing, because we’re going to.
Brad Aldrich:
Hey, this stress is out there. It’s not me anymore.
Kate Aldrich:
Right.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s not my stress, it’s now their stress, but I’m still stressed, Right Kind of thing. So I think that’s something to look at. And this was me for a really long time. Was I had to constantly have something a podcast news, something on to drown out internal thoughts, Because if I didn’t have something on, I’d be thinking and I didn’t want to be thinking when was that?
Kate Aldrich:
I don’t remember that Because you’re the one who often it must be when you and I were not interacting. Yeah, because when you and I are interacting you do not like anything else on. It is very distracting for you, whereas me I can have music on. I don’t watch a lot of TV, but it could be on in the background and not bug me. So it must have been when we weren’t.
Brad Aldrich:
When we weren’t doing as well, for sure, well, no, but we also weren’t when we weren’t doing as well for sure?
Kate Aldrich:
Well, no, but we also weren’t in each other’s presence, is what I mean.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, because and I think there’s some truth there of like, if I was in the car, I was had something going, if I like, I’m guilty of that for sure in the car.
Brad Aldrich:
And again, I don’t mean this is always a horrible thing, but again, why? What is it? Is it? And I think there was a place for me of I didn’t want to think, yeah, so I’m going to use something to avoid it as this imitation self-care, because if I think things get negative, things get ugly, things, you know kind of which is why so many people in america have sleep issues.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, because that’s when and think about it. Our kids show us that when they’re little. When do they come to you and want to talk about or want to trick mom and dad into not having?
Kate Aldrich:
to go to bed right, because that’s the time there’s nothing else for them to do, and the thoughts come in, and we’re no different yeah so like I think that shows how much we often try to keep ourselves from thinking it’s a very normal thing, yeah, and I think it absolute tv addict for a long time in my life and I still enjoy it, but it’s become much less because I’ve recognized um.
Brad Aldrich:
You know how I used it to escape yeah and dealing with the fact of why do I want to escape, helped me to go. Okay, I don’t need to as much Sure, and that’s kind of the idea of all of these is why are we using it this?
Kate Aldrich:
way, and I know with like scrolling because I want to make sure we talk about that a little bit.
Kate Aldrich:
Like you and I tend to allow ourselves to scroll a little bit at the end of the night, because I don’t get on anything mostly through the day, and so I know, though, what helps me most to fall asleep. Well, part of my sleep routine is to read, and yes, I do not read angsty things, I don’t, I just don’t because they don’t help. So I read something bland and blah, but I read for at least 10 minutes every night, and the thing I recognize is, if I’m scrolling, so usually I’ll scroll for like five or 10 minutes, and then I read, and if I notice that a couple of nights in a row, I’m not reading, I’m just putting my phone down and going to bed.
Kate Aldrich:
I’m like, nope, this is taking over a space that it shouldn’t be. I have told Brad repeatedly when I do that I don’t sleep well, even though I felt tired before I put my phone away. Like the reading is just so different in how it helps my brain. Now reading can be a thing too, like what are you going to? How long you stay in there? But overall, reading is a much better coping strategy for people. Oh yeah, but there are things. People can be addicted to reading, but it does take effort, so it’s a little less likely.
Brad Aldrich:
I think then it’s more the topic that we’re reading and and what the material is, then it is necessarily the action right, of course kind of thing, because, yes, there is absolutely escapism in reading yeah, yeah and it can be unhealthy.
Kate Aldrich:
It can be getting sucked into a really good book. That’s a good, that’s not a bad thing, right, but anyway. So, like I think, with scrolling it’s like, how long do I spend there? The other thing I try to remind myself with Brad or the kids, if I’m choosing scrolling over a conversation like that says something like it’s feeding something to me, right then. And if I have that little bit of annoyance that my kid is now interrupting me, it’s feeding something to me, right then. And if I have that little bit of annoyance that my kid is now interrupting me, it’s like, oh, you need to put. And I try then to turn it off, right then, and put it down yeah and even say I’m sorry I wasn’t listening very well, or something like that.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, but scrolling, I think, is one of those ones that’s very um. It’s at our fingertips, so it’s hard for people to recognize it.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I mean, I’ve put this is just me. I’ve put a like use the timer thing on my scrolling so that when it’s like my phone goes, you have been on it for an hour, which doesn’t happen every day, but every once in a while I’ll hit that hour mark and I’m like, oh crap, okay, I just need to not do this.
Kate Aldrich:
Have you tried the brick yet?
Brad Aldrich:
I have not.
Kate Aldrich:
It’s sitting here.
Brad Aldrich:
I haven’t haven’t played with it, so I did get yeah, get get a brick, and I thought I’m going to play around with it, yeah, and see if that was that was helpful Cause I was curious what that?
Kate Aldrich:
if it felt helpful. If it felt helpful, if it felt, because you know it’s an interesting concept of something to kind of help you be aware um, and help you sometimes have that I’ll set it up and tell the podcast.
Brad Aldrich:
Is it? Is it a marriage helpful um device at some point? If it’s?
Kate Aldrich:
personally helpful. It’s going to be helpful to your marriage. Yeah that’s what we need to remember, because, yeah, but and some people will often, I think, when we often meet with couples, well, is it okay if we watch shows together? Sure, but if we’re talking about connection, that like it can be, but if that’s the only way you can connect, I mean, I suppose it’s better than nothing, but it’s it it is.
Brad Aldrich:
It is better than nothing. I mean, I have a. I’ve talked to a lot of couples. It’s like he’s got her shows, she’s got his shows and they separate and don’t even do that. And that’s okay that that happens with us too sometimes yeah but we prioritize when we’re going to watch tv together, of finding something for us together and that’s not a bad thing yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
So yeah, these, these forms of imitation self care are tricky because they sometimes can be self-care yeah, yeah, and that’s exactly right, and we need to recognize when it is and when it isn’t.
Kate Aldrich:
Yep.
Brad Aldrich:
And when it’s pulling us apart, I’m going to flip the script almost 180 degrees in another one.
Kate Aldrich:
Oh boy.
Brad Aldrich:
Of overworking.
Kate Aldrich:
Oh.
Brad Aldrich:
Or workaholism, if we want to put it in that form, where we are working to distract ourselves from other things. We’re working to deal with emotional pain, including feeling connected, worthy, respected, like in that form place because we don’t in others.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever been a workaholic, so I don’t say that in a judgmental way. I mean, sometimes I can feel stressed and I feel the need to keep myself busy, whether it’s with and I’m still in a role in our ministry where I’m part-time so that I can be part-time mom, take care of the household things.
Brad Aldrich:
You are full-time mom, part-time working.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, but they’re not here during school. So I kind of figure I am still mom but I’m not actually actively doing anything. I didn’t mean that that way thing, I didn’t mean that that way, but like, and Brad is always super great with helping out on the stuff around the house, but he is working full-time running our ministry and our coaching network. So I have the like unique perspective and, yes, I’ve had full-time jobs, but I don’t ever feel like I was quite of a workaholic. I think if I was ever towards that direction, it was because I always wanted to make sure I was doing my best so that that fit into my narrative and my story. So I don’t struggle with this, other than when I feel anxious at home, I tend to then start cleaning all the things.
Brad Aldrich:
So you’re going to have to talk about this one okay, I I do think you know maybe there’s more men that that wrestle with this. I I sure there are women that do.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I don’t know I don’t know now that more women are working full-time, like if that, if that still fits that I think the challenge is when men are feeling honored, respected, important, worthy in their job and it doesn’t even have to be direct, it’s like oh yeah, okay, I did that well, so I feel good about it. And, um, sometimes it’s money related, sometimes it’s just just you know the boss or you saying, yeah, you did a good job. Like that then becomes this striving for I want more of that. So then I’m going to focus on that as a way of taking care of myself, of saying I have value, of saying I have worthy. I’m going to throw all of these hours into that work and that probably for most people, fixes a narrative.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh, absolutely it does.
Kate Aldrich:
Do you? I do just have a question, though Do you now like sit in here in your office and say those things to yourself?
Brad Aldrich:
I have value. Because you’re the boss I mean no, there are external things turn on your zoom and look at yourself and be like you did so well today I mean I? I will kind of out myself. There are other metrics that I use. Oh gotcha, do that.
Kate Aldrich:
I was like wait a second. I’m very curious now. It’s not me saying it to myself, it’s like oh, how many sessions do we have this month?
Brad Aldrich:
Those kind of things do start to go. Okay, I have value. It’s so easy to fall down that slope, Gotcha.
Kate Aldrich:
Like it’s so easy to fall down that slope, Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich:
And I think for us it’s something you and I have done for a very long time of talking about that stuff. Right From the point when I was the director of a counseling center to you know, there were places that we would talk about the stresses and the positives at work, and so for us I think that always was something that we could jump into together. But I see so many guys that don’t have that affirmation at home of how hard they’ve been working, of the things that they’re doing, the value that they’re bringing, and so then it just reinforces this place of I have to work really, really hard because then I don’t feel the emotional pain of not being worthy.
Kate Aldrich:
Something to keep in mind for sure, and I realize, with these subjects, like we’re kind of getting off on other things we’ve already talked about. On these subjects, I, I 100% feel like you work so hard, like you are constantly working and work so hard for our family and always have. I think I hear the main struggle and I realized this is kind of going off the topic a little bit that we deal with is when, if you choose to have small children, that is the time the husband doesn’t feel affirmed and the wife is exhausted. It’s just a recipe for everyone feeling like a lot crap and we’ll just use that word, and so that is the time I feel like and I would admit I don’t know that I did a great job then in affirming you.
Brad Aldrich:
I think you nailed it. It is a time that I see the biggest strain in some of this stuff. And it’s a double-edged sword because usually for guys at that age, where little ones are coming in, they are in in their career paths, often in this place, where it’s like, okay, I’ve got to work really hard to get to that next level, like they’re in that space where things are growing, where they’re trying to figure out their path, and I mean I certainly was. It was like, okay, if I just do a little bit more here, I’m going to get this. And so they’re getting all of this affirmation from work often, and it is a natural. I want to say this it is a natural thing but you go from a couple of two, a couple, and where a lot of care and affirmation is going between the two of you, to adding that third and so much of that care and affirmation then goes to the third. And that is natural. It’s normal. It needs to happen.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m not saying that your wives are doing or moms are doing a bad thing in that. But so often I hear guys with infants with six or seven month olds. It seems to happen in that space.
Kate Aldrich:
You’re gonna see six or seven children, six or seven like it’s I don’t know what to tell you then. Actually, I.
Brad Aldrich:
I think this is my hypothesis. I think a lot of guys get it for like the first six months they get it. They’re like, oh, that they the baby needs all this time. But then six months happens and they’re like wait a minute, where’s where? Where do I fit?
Kate Aldrich:
now yeah. Right, and so six to 12 months, then they’re like but me. And I know that’s so selfish.
Brad Aldrich:
But me.
Kate Aldrich:
Because your wife is over there saying but me, I haven’t showered in three weeks Exactly. I know.
Brad Aldrich:
But that’s what’s happening, and then what that does is reinforce this. I get worth from work, so I’m going to use that self-care because I feel crappy at home. I don’t feel like I’m worthy here. I’m not feel like I’m needed here so I’m going to get that worth from work, although it doesn’t actually fill that need right and can lead to a whole lot of other things oh yeah but and I I think that we eventually got, when the kids were a little bit older, more like elementary school.
Kate Aldrich:
I was much better, because that would have been when our marriage really shifted, because that was 2010 and the kids were born and entered all before that. So, like so, I I did get better with that. So I think that’s a very unique time and does need talked about. But I think also, just as it can continue for a mom to kind of feel sucked in by being a mom, it can kind of feel like that self-care really, really helped and you just keep being a workaholic and that’s not always the case per se, but I do think it’s worth mentioning that it definitely impacts it.
Kate Aldrich:
But again, it’s looking at what is work giving me, that I need right and right. What is it affirming in you? It’s not bad to have that, but if that is what you are constantly the button you are constantly trying to push and get the affirmation from, that is recreating something Right, it’s feeding something, and that is going to just like any other of these coping strategies, it’s eventually going to break down and it’s going to drive wedges between you, you and yourself, and you and other people. Um, that’s not to just come down hard on workaholic, but same with social media. How many times do we hear? I just wish they’d put the phone down for a while.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh my gosh yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, or I wish they we don’t hear the TV as much. But I do think the binge watching can very much.
Brad Aldrich:
For sure.
Kate Aldrich:
We can get the same response, and so it really is. In all of these, I hope we’re opening up a space for people to be curious and, part of it, even some on the list that we need to talk about. Like, it’s hard because I know there are things that I can struggle with, and it’s hard to be curious because we just feel shame and contempt for ourselves, and, oh, I just wish I didn’t do that. I wish it wasn’t a struggle.
Brad Aldrich:
So, as we’re ending this part two, maybe we’ll do a part three, but I want everyone to kind of be thinking of what is my go-to, what are the things that I’m going to as self-care, and are they working? And so we’ve talked about food, we’ve talked about porn, we’ve talked about overwork, we’ve talked about scrolling and binge watching. There’s also things like shopping. Right, that can be that escape we can use. One of the ones that I love that we came up with is using spirituality as an avoidance of pain. Right, oh, god will take care of that, so I don’t need to worry about it.
Kate Aldrich:
It’ll work out. God is with me.
Brad Aldrich:
Yep, god will handle it as a shutdown of like any of this. Well, it must be God’s will. So like and just like that that kind of stuff. You know, dealing sometimes like this is a hard one. We talk about healthy boundaries in relationships, but sometimes boundaries are really a wall to keep people out as self-care. That isn’t really self-care. Yeah and sometimes it is, and sometimes it is. It’s so hard.
Kate Aldrich:
And even I hear you listing these things and I definitely think we need to talk about some more of them. But we’ve heard people come to us with very nuanced things. Right, you don’t always Alcohol can be like.
Brad Aldrich:
Alcohol can be.
Kate Aldrich:
Obviously Drugs can be we named those, but I remember some people and would never say anything where hopefully we could identify people by any means. But like gardening and taking care of the yard, yeah, it’s good self-care, but it was all the person was doing in their free time, right, and I think. I think brad kind of grew up with similar, I mean. And again, not a bad thing, but it is if your, your connections and your people are not right if it’s becoming avoidant um, I think it can go into cleaning anything.
Kate Aldrich:
I know someone running running yeah, right, like, and again, I want to keep these generic enough that you can see, oh, but I don’t fit into anything. Brad and kate have suggested, you know, and you said, shopping, which I will admit that’s definitely been a challenge for me. But there’s also the hoarding of your money feels really, really good, and it feels control, and it feels like gambling.
Brad Aldrich:
Gambling is another one, that’s definitely not hoarding your money but, anyways, like right.
Kate Aldrich:
I just want you guys to remember if you’re sitting here thinking I don’t fit into any of those, what do you do? That is either consuming your time or you even consider self-care that you might sometimes take too far. Crafting it can be a great one, but like it can go too far.
Brad Aldrich:
So I’m going to bring this back around to where we started in our first podcast.
Kate Aldrich:
He’s always doing that.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m going to bring this back around to where we started in our first podcast. He’s always doing that. This is, you know, the arousal template and connected to our trauma is something that Jay Stringer talks about, and, in fact, one of the things that he says I love is when that temptation to do, I’ll say, this activity, any activity, comes up instead of just indulging in it. Do this idea of inviting it onto the porch and asking it why it’s here right now. Why do I need this right now?
Kate Aldrich:
Right. And also instead of trying to white knuckle and ignore it.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, we don’t. We don’t just white knuckle and ignore it because it’s not helpful.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
But it might be inviting you into real self-care. Yeah, it might be telling you at that point I’m trying to distract myself, which could be okay, right, like, but I think there’s a place where, if we can invite these fake self-cares imitation self-cares onto the porch and go, why are you here right now? I think there’s a lot we can learn for ourselves and for our relationship Kindness and gentleness.
Kate Aldrich:
Why do I need you right now?
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
Like just yeah, yeah, I think that’s good.
Brad Aldrich:
So that’s where we encourage you to have some more conversations with your spouse about what these are for right now, in any of them, because it’s not about bringing shame to these things. It’s actually about seeing them as self-care and going how do we do it better?
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich:
Maybe we need to have a follow-up episode on what real self-care looks like.
Kate Aldrich:
A follow-up on the follow-up. On the follow-up.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s going to be great.
Kate Aldrich:
It’s going to be great.
Brad Aldrich:
We will definitely be keeping talking about things that bring us towards each other and things that pull us away, and that’s part of our heart as we keep walking down this path of what it means to still become one together. So until next time, I’m Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:
And I’m Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
