The Sex Education Every Couple Needs with Paul & Lori Byerly
Full Episode Transcript
Brad Aldrich:
We are super excited to be with you again and, honestly, we’re sharing something that I think is part of a God vision and, you know, something that he’s been doing in our lives and other lives for man a long time now. So, we are thrilled to have our guests Paul and Lori on with us.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, we’re excited to have you guys Welcome.
Paul Byerly:
Thank you with us.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, we’re excited to have you guys. Welcome, thank you. Paul and Lori have been doing this way longer than we have and are highly respected in the field, so we’re super excited to have them. Just a little bit about them Paul and Lori have been married for 39 years, which is amazing, amazing and they have been working in the field of marriages and intimacy educators for the past 27 years, which is also phenomenal. And, um, we had the pleasure of getting to know them through our original blog, which they um have been so faithful in blogging themselves and then continuing their education in whatever form seems to be evolving and changing through our world these days. But back then, in like 2010-ish, we got to know them and their ministries at the time which some of them are still continuing and just realized that these were people that we could journey together with in doing marriage ministry which is a really cool thing, because there’s never enough people doing marriage ministry, oh my gosh. And so, yeah, so welcome, and we’re really excited to have you guys. Where do you want to start, hon?
Brad Aldrich:
You know you guys I mean some people may recognize you as the generous husband and generous wife, your blogs that have been going for a long time, but you guys have your hands in so many different areas of marriage ministry. Tell us a little bit about some of the things that you’re doing.
Lori Byerly:
We started as the Marriage Bed TheMarriageBedcom just educating people, because we found there was a horrible lack of education, both on the biology but also on the scriptural side of it, and so we started doing that. Then we moved into the blogs.
Paul Byerly:
I have added the XY code, which is supposedly explaining men to women which is hysterical, I love it and everybody wants her to explain women to men and she says no she says I don’t understand, and then she’s moved to yeah, I, I I did a lot of writing and I I felt the need to help people actually practice and do the things that we were talking about. So I started blogging at doing marriage well, and the emphasis is on practicing and actually doing some of these different concepts.
Kate Aldrich:
Very awesome.
Lori Byerly:
We’ve always done in person when we can. We’ve traveled, done some phone coaching and now the internet and we actually have a real internet connection finally is allowing us to move into doing that and we’re really excited about that. We love to see couples healed and see marriages improved.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, we are so excited about that too, you know, and yeah. So, if you haven’t figured out, the part of the announcement of this is that paul and laurie are joining aldrich ministries as coaches. We’re going to be talking a little bit more about what they do and what they’ll be doing, but I just want to say like we’re so beyond thrilled to have you guys being a part of our ministry. You’ve been such an enormous blessing to us.
Brad Aldrich:
I still remember, when you know, kate and I were writing One Flesh Marriage, which many ways we were writing for us just to figure out how our marriage grew, how our marriage changed, and we had been thrilled with. You know, a couple of dozen people kind of commenting and noticing and and we are friends.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, mostly our friends, right and we’re like, oh, this is kind of fun. And then, literally one night we woke up or one day we woke up and I think we had hit like 500 views that day, which was exponentially more than we ever had, and we were like what happened? Well, paul and Lori happened, right.
Brad Aldrich:
Like they had come across our blog and mentioned it in theirs and all of a sudden we had all these people starting, you know, following us, which was absolutely amazing, and we were shocked that anybody wanted to know what we had to say along the way.
Lori Byerly:
As Kate said, there are not nearly enough, and so you know, whenever we can find someone who’s doing a good job, we’re all about promoting that.
Paul Byerly:
Yeah, it is just our joy to point to people who are doing good work. Everybody has a little different flavor and we may not be everybody’s cup of tea, so we’re busy pointing to the people who have a good voice, who have something encouraging and helpful to say, so good.
Kate Aldrich:
I love that too, because I think, as, as we said, there’s just there’s such a need out there and, yes, everybody sort of has their own bent and of course there are some people maybe we don’t feel comfortable pointing to, but as a whole, the goal is for marriages to be healed and restored. So we can’t do it, None of us can do it all ourselves, so it’s just fabulous to have lots of other people doing it alongside of us. At least I think so.
Brad Aldrich:
I agree, laura. You kind of said everyone has their own flavor of tea. Tell us a little bit of what yours is and even how you came to this place, of being marriage educators and that kind of stuff.
Lori Byerly:
It’s God’s fault.
Paul Byerly:
Yeah, it is God’s fault.
Lori Byerly:
We got married in a lot of ways. We had a great marriage from day one. We had serious issues sexually. I had looked at porn as a teen. I thought I was free of it, I wasn’t watching it anymore, I wasn’t looking at it, but I was still captured by that.
Paul Byerly:
And Laurie had I have a lot of sexual abuse in my history and so together we were sort of like a match in gasoline. It was really rough and back in the day there were not that many resources, so we just did a lot of praying and crying and trial and error and slowly began to find answers for what we’re doing. The blog was a spin. The blogs the Generous Husband and the Generous Wife were sort of spinoffs of the Lord healing our heart and teaching us how to be generous and caring, because behind all the sexual issues were just a lot of growing up issues. We all, you know, carry them into marriage and, yeah, just kind of snowballed from there and the blogs were also an attempt to do more than sex.
Lori Byerly:
The original website we wanted to cover all aspects of marriage and because nobody else in the church was doing sexuality, we got pigeonholed and we’re fineholed and we’re fine with that. We’re more than discuss that. But at some point it’s like I want to talk about something else and you have to, because sex isn’t just sex it doesn’t just happen in a vacuum. It happens with a lot of integrated within the relationship, so a lot of sexual problems have nothing to do with the bedroom, so we try to move in that direction.
Paul Byerly:
Yeah that’s really good.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s so good.
Paul Byerly:
Our heart is to see people grow their marriages better and healthier, because even if you have a good marriage, you can have a great marriage or a better marriage, or you can learn how to deal with this problem or that, and we’re on that adventure. We don’t stop growing. We don’t stop growing and just want to encourage others to do the same yeah, yeah, I.
Kate Aldrich:
I feel like we have lots of people ask us oh so if we get to where you are, which makes us sound like the pinnacle, which is not the goal by any means. But people will say, does it get easy when we get to your like where you are?
Kate Aldrich:
and I always think I’m not sure it’s easy versus hard, it’s always um intentionality I don’t like work, because work, work has not the best connotation to it, but it’s always intentionality, like we’re always trying to effort, exactly trying to figure out new things, and and as I tell people, like we’re never going to reach it, because every stage of life has something different and something new and challenging and whatnot.
Paul Byerly:
So yeah, places, and it’s like you know, paul and I are in our 60s now and we’re grandparents, and so we have grown kids, and that’s a different relationship and and you know, aging does its thing and so it is just it’s. It’s important to know that marriage can be something of a moving target as you go through the different seasons yeah, I, I love that.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, we’re definitely finding that to be true as well.
Brad Aldrich:
It is, and yet I don’t think you know, certainly the church isn’t talking about it. I don’t think a lot of people are talking about that as an element, certainly not when it comes to sexual intimacy right, there is this idea that it’s like okay, you figured out sexual intimacy, you had kids, yeah, and that’s it Right. I don’t see a whole lot of people actually talking about the challenges, the beauty of sexual intimacy in a healthy relationship.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, right, yeah.
Paul Byerly:
Well, god designed sex to be this beautiful gift between husband and wife. And, yes, it produces children, but it produces this lovely, pleasurable intimacy. And yes, your body does slow down a little bit and there are changes and difficulties and whatnot, but there are some practical solutions.
Lori Byerly:
Yeah, very few of those problems are really problems if you understand what’s going on and how to deal with it, and it’s not that hard to make it work.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, I think I appreciate you guys and that you’re growing that, even though I feel like the church, we’re pretty honest, having worked outside of the church in Christian ministry, also worked inside the church in Christian ministry there’s a lot of growth that needs to happen. I think there has been a lot of growth in the to see happen Right. Because Brad and I you guys too work with some premarital couples Like from the very beginning. We’re just having those open conversations. We send every premarital couple to the marriage bed, thank you.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, because it’s a resource that is knowledgeable but also we know, in this porn-ridden culture, it’s something they can go to and not have to worry about seeing anything they don’t want to, Because everybody’s on the same page about what’s acceptable and we just appreciate the heart of it the heart of it, and so I think we’ve appreciated having a place where we can send people to just get information.
Brad Aldrich:
Then they can go. Oh okay, I didn’t actually know all of that.
Brad Aldrich:
And then make educated decisions and certainly everything’s coming from a Christian standpoint. But you guys don’t go. Okay, here’s the right and wrong of everything. You go, here’s the information of everything. Now, where do you see Christ in it? Or where do you see your relationship health in it? And I certainly value that, and I know some of our clients already who have utilized that and gone. Ok, I really didn’t know all of that side of things. So that’s something I’ve always valued about you guys.
Paul Byerly:
The one thing about the marriage bed is is our heart is to create a really safe place for people, for Christians, to gather and talk about marriage and sexuality.
Lori Byerly:
And you mentioned premarital Best thing you can do if you’re married Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
You need to find a solid course or a couple who will do it, and you need a half a dozen at.
Paul Byerly:
You know even what we missed in premarital, because we missed a lot and we started going man, I wish I’d known some of these things starting but yeah, I think also, you know, podcasts like this are so important because they normalize the discussion about marriage and intimacy, and the church is doing better and we can add our voices to it and make it that much easier for people to come to the table and say I don’t know this or I have a problem, or can you talk to me about this? Yeah, less scary, yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, and I think, with not to get off on premarital completely, but like a lot of our couples that we meet with, like they don’t know what they don’t know, Like and I think that was Brad and I, like we didn’t. Actually, you need either the program or the people that you’re meeting with to know what you need to know.
Paul Byerly:
Sure.
Kate Aldrich:
Because I’m not sure I would have known all the questions to ask.
Brad Aldrich:
But think about so many of the couples that we talk about when it does get into sexual intimacy issues.
Paul Byerly:
One of the major issues.
Brad Aldrich:
If I can boil a lot of it down is couples do not know how to communicate about desire, communicate about what actually feels good and to communicate just about sex with each other. It’s hard, and so then that breaks down, and then there’s hurt feelings that drift into so many other places, and you know you have a recipe for all kinds of problems.
Lori Byerly:
Yeah, for sure Well it was a sexual problem that becomes a marriage and that’s a whole big issue.
Brad Aldrich:
Yep.
Kate Aldrich:
Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
So we’ve been talking here that you guys definitely have a gift as sex educators and coaches. Tell us a little bit about the things that you have enjoyed and are looking to do more of with um, with couples or with individuals, as you’re moving forward as coaches.
Lori Byerly:
Uh, certainly premarital. We’ve done that in person a number of times. We enjoy that Um, and and then I mean pretty much the range, you know we’ll, we’ll do. You know, you’ve got some specific problems. Actually we can usually deal with that. I mean, we’re not doctors but we’ve got a lot of experience, um, dealing with that, so we can help with that.
Lori Byerly:
Uh, and then beyond that, obviously the marriage and, as I said, often the sexual problems really aren’t about the bedroom, they’re about the marriage, right, and so we’ve had a lot of experience with couples dealing with, I mean, pretty much everything out there. There’s a couple of things that we would pass off to somebody else that I know is able to deal with those things. You know, we we don’t have adoptive children, you do so obviously, someone’s having blended family issues that’s not where I’m going to. I’m going to go, sure, I know a fellow who does same-sex attraction issues, so that would pass that. On Most other areas of marriage and sexuality, we’ve had the experience, we’ve done the study. Our heart is to see people get healed and healthy and have good marriages, and so anywhere that we can do that, we’re willing to jump in, and so anywhere that we can do that, we’re willing to jump in and I guess my heart, especially where women are concerned, is to help them develop a healthy life.
Paul Byerly:
Our world doesn’t teach women necessarily how to enjoy sex and to love that kind of intimacy and I, like you know talking through that with people especially I like the gals who I guess their kids are growing up and they’re reaching that stage where they just need to explore what God has for them in the next season of life, and at that point you don’t want to lose your marriage, you want. You want to hold on to the good season of life and at that point you don’t want to lose your marriage, you want to hold on to the good that’s there. There’s a lot of busyness with young children in this and as your kids begin to grow, it’s like hang on to that lovely relationship, build or rebuild what is going on there.
Lori Byerly:
I’m sure you’re aware, the most common time to divorce now is right after the last child has left the household, and that’s any couple that’s approaching emptiness. I think some sort of coaching would be good. Even if you don’t think you have problems, talk about it, start doing some planning, figure out where you’re going. I mean, it’s almost like premarital, it’s like doing it again you don’t know what you don’t know. And if someone who’s been there can say what about this, then you can consider that, work through it and not have that train wreck when the kids leave yeah, yeah, so important, absolutely well, and you said something really important there and that’s probably the next stage, not probably.
Kate Aldrich:
that is the next stage we’re going to be going through, because we have one graduating next year and the one the next year, and then that’s it.
Kate Aldrich:
And even if, as you said, even if you think your marriage is good, it’s good to do a check-in right, it’s not going to hurt. And I remember when Scott and Jenny Means, when they were launching their youngest and so she was going off to college and they have a fabulous marriage, as we all know. But I remember Jenny saying to me I, I just Scott and I are fine, but I I don’t know what my purpose is. Now, right, Like.
Kate Aldrich:
I’ve dedicated so many years to the girls and now I just feel kind of like what’s next? And so every stage has a challenge that the two of you can, side by side, go through. And, as you said, laurie, which I thought was so good, like keep this really good, but what does that mean for the next phase of stage that God has you in?
Paul Byerly:
It really does radically change your life. I remember when my last one left home, I felt like I had a hole in the back of my head because I used to keep track of him and laundry and this and that, the other and that was done and I remember praying and saying, lord, don’t let me fill that space with you know, just stuff that comes along, that happens. It’s like, what is this season about? What is important? Yeah, and yeah, it was an interesting time of exploration and prayer, so you use the word check-in.
Lori Byerly:
Uh, we have a friend who does some ministry who says that every couple should talk to some sort of coach, therapist, uh, counselor, once a year, whether they have problems or not with the same one. So you’re checking in and you’re figuring out, you know, just to help you set some goals, and then if you find out you’ve got a problem, you can deal with it and if not, okay, we’ll talk to you in a year, and I think that’s brilliant.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I think that’s brilliant too and that’s really good. You know, I think in our last episode of the podcast I we were talking about knowing each other and knowing each other’s dreams together, and I mentioned guys. Every time you say I don’t know what emotional intimacy is. This is what it means it’s actually getting to know each other and that’s the same thing with that, paul, like that is a practical this is what emotional intimacy means.
Brad Aldrich:
It is oh, here’s an opportunity where I can check in with my spouse and go okay, what are our goals? What are we want? Where are we? How are we growing? What’s filling you today? Goal you had this fear. You know how are those things going?
Lori Byerly:
Have you dealt with them? Have you resolved them? Have you pushed them under the table? There’s a little nudge sometimes enough to make a big difference.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, yeah so when you’ve been working, either through the website, the blogs, or in your coaching the blogs or in your coaching what are some of the common like problems that you are seeing, whether they be sexual intimacy problems, or what are some of the things that you’re recognizing?
Lori Byerly:
Wow, this is happening more than people recognize Communication. You mentioned that you know if you can’t communicate about sex, you can’t have good sex, but communication covers the entire marriage. Know, if you can’t communicate about sex, you can’t have good sex, but communication covers the entire marriage. And if you can’t communicate, you can’t have a good marriage.
Paul Byerly:
I’ve seen a real upswing in erotica with women, and you know, then the porn thing is always rolling along as well, and the unrealistic expectations of those things are messing up real life sex. That that’s been huge. Um and again I run into gals who are hitting new seasons of life and don’t know how to handle them.
Lori Byerly:
No sure and then we see a lot of places where people are struggling because of what happened to them when they were a kid usually just now dealing a mother or a father, but it can also be what happened.
Lori Byerly:
You know you’re traumatized or bullied or whatever. We’re in our six and you know, within the last month we both dealt with things and said oh yeah, that was because of what my mother said. You know what somebody in school did, and when you can do that I mean that kind of story work and you understand it, then it’s so easy to. It just goes away once, once you’ve exposed it, once you understand it. If it doesn’t go away just because you understand it, at least then you understand how to work through it.
Kate Aldrich:
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
That’s huge, really powerful.
Lori Byerly:
Yeah, good. And then I I struggle a lot, or I see a lot of guys struggling because they don’t understand women in general and they certainly don’t understand them sexually, and they think I just need the magic formula, the magic move. You know the special position that’s going to make sex great and 95 times out of 100 it’s got nothing to do with that. It’s pointing him back to how is your relationship? Did you have any intimacy that wasn’t naked in the last month?
Kate Aldrich:
she needs that that’s a huge, a huge one. It’s over and over Good.
Lori Byerly:
And I see the same on the X Y code. The women have no understanding of men. They don’t understand what, to us, would be very basic biology. I mean we, years ago, we had a woman who was convinced her husband was going to cheat on her because she kept noticing he had erections in his sleep, which happens every guy. Every time he dreams, he dreams that’s what happens. But she didn’t know that and she was laying awake at night, you know, checking and then worrying that he wasn’t satisfied he was going to cheat on her and it was. You know. When she realized, you know, we explained to her no, that’s normal. Then it’s like how’s the huge way of her? Yeah, and it’s a silly, but it’s what we don’t know. Because, well, of course I know that I’m a woman or I’m a man and that’s. Everyone knows that.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, right, right, no those are so good examples and right, you even say communication breakdown, because she didn’t know how to talk to him about that Right.
Kate Aldrich:
Like it becomes, and I would even push back further, like that’s education sure right, and it’s hard because, um, it’s with your, your teenagers, your young adults. Educating them on the opposite sex isn’t where we go to first. Usually we’re educating them on themselves, but it’s important for them to know that kind of stuff and so like even that just some basic education would have helped that situation. Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich:
Not that Brad and I have done it perfectly and haven’t missed things Right, but just a mom explaining that then you have an adult wife who’s not fearful that you know that something is wrong and it’s just yeah yeah so education is huge, and you guys are all about that, so absolutely yeah, there’s so many places that we don’t talk about this in the church and so we don’t have.
Lori Byerly:
You know, in marriage in general, you know guys will sit around and talk about. You know what my wife likes and what she does, and you know flowers work and you know excuses don’t, and. But in the area of sex maybe women are different. I think they do it a little better than the guys do, but we just don’t share and talk and so there’s no basis of experience out there.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, well, it’s interesting. I was thinking about what you guys were just saying and I’ve been doing a lot of work lately. Obviously, story work is more when I’m working with women. One-on-one is kind of the genre tactic that I spend a lot of time in, and I am now having conversations with every woman that I meet with, married or not, about understanding her own desire, and I’m not just talking about sexual desire, just like who did God make you? What do you enjoy? Do you enjoy tea versus coffee? Or maybe something else, like actually having a voice for who you are and how God made you and what you actually enjoy, because I find that deeply impacts understanding and being able to communicate sexual desire, because they’ve turned off all desire because many times through their story.
Kate Aldrich:
It wasn’t um something that was invited that was and we’re not talking about sexual desire we’re just talking about yeah, kids expressing like the things I love, the things that I enjoy, and so taking women on that journey now has been really interesting. That they have desires and it’s okay.
Lori Byerly:
We just listened to an Allender Center broadcast about desire and I cannot remember the fellow. Did you hear that, jay Stringer?
Paul Byerly:
I was going to say it was just the other day, right, Jay Stringer?
Lori Byerly:
you know the church. The church tells us, desire is selfless, desire is wrong, desire is dangerous and not sexual desire. All desire, yep, and we do that. You get women who literally don’t know what they want. You know, I don’t know why I’m unhappy, because I don’t know what would make me happy correct I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and that’s a problem.
Paul Byerly:
Which was compounded at the time when the last child leaves home.
Kate Aldrich:
Because you don’t have your energy for your family.
Paul Byerly:
And now you have this big gap and you don’t know who you are or what you like or what you’re designed to be and do.
Kate Aldrich:
Exactly.
Paul Byerly:
Exactly.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, jay Stringer is amazing. He and Brad are friends and we had him on on.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m trying to remember how long ago it was.
Kate Aldrich:
Six months ago we had him on the podcast he always makes me think about that in a different way, which I really, really appreciate. But you’re so right and I think, um, I think educating people on that is going to open up a world of difference and change for women in marriage. But, paul, you said something really critical. Sorry, I’m going off on this a little bit, but every time I bring it up to a woman, that’s the first thing they say. But we’re taught in church that that’s selfish. Like.
Kate Aldrich:
I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s like well, I think we can talk about selfishness, I don’t. I mean, it’s mentioned in the Bible and so I think there is a place for that, but I don’t think many times our desires are actually selfish. They’re just who we are and um, well and I should preface that like they shouldn’t be something that’s harmful to you or to someone else or anything like that. But we can’t have our desires all the time.
Paul Byerly:
But they are a reflection of our design, and that’s important to know, because God has things for us to do and he’s gifted us to do them.
Lori Byerly:
Yes, so you know, knowing who you are is very important, I love that, and the bible talks about giving us the desires of our heart, and and I think that means that god puts desires in us, not that gives us what we desire, um, but if he’s putting those things there, then they’re good, they’re right they’re healthy yeah, within sane bounds yeah, yes, yes and we’ve talked often about how often the enemy ends up twisting a good desire into something unhealthy right because we don’t know how to meet it in its healthy form, right right so it is in many ways coming back to this place of understanding, healthy, god-given desire.
Brad Aldrich:
So, that’s such an interesting battle.
Lori Byerly:
But to give an example of that, we had a fellow. We were meeting with him and his wife and he told me he confessed to me one night that he would love to have intercourse from behind, but he was sure his wife would be deeply offended. In this, that and the other we were out getting ice. At the same time. The wife was telling him that she’d love to have him behind, but she was sure he would be offended.
Kate Aldrich:
And so, on the way home, we talked about it.
Lori Byerly:
We nudged them, they got over it. That lack of communication, the fear, the shame that’s exactly right.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s such a good example of just how we have been fed. This shame thing that says I can’t the other person’s not going to be okay with, and obviously there’s limits Like we’ve talked about that before, there are boundaries and there are healthy ways to have these conversations right. It should never be. I need you to do this. But entering into hey I wonder if, or starting to go, you know what would that be like?
Paul Byerly:
There’s just so many more things on the table that Well, we liken sexuality to a playground. There’s a fence around it, god gives us healthy boundaries and on the playground are a number of things to to play with and they should bless both spouses and build a pleasure and intimacy within the marriage and all those things can be discussed. But you don’t have to play on all of them if you’re not comfortable with this or whatever, but you can build a safe place to discuss and explore sexual things in your marriage and if you’re open to growth, then it’s like okay, 10 years ago neither of us want to do the monkey bars, but you know.
Lori Byerly:
Now I think you know, and so you start talking. It’s like, yeah, let’s go check out the monkey bars. You don’t set it in stone, you know six months after you get married and never change I think that’s such a really important point um man, paul and laura.
Brad Aldrich:
You guys both have so much wisdom in these areas of sexual intimacy and so much life experience through that.
Kate Aldrich:
They’re trailblazers.
Brad Aldrich:
Right guys.
Paul Byerly:
Honestly they are guys. We are so thankful for them.
Kate Aldrich:
I’m just messing with them a little bit because they are. They have paid the way. They continue to do that, but they have paid the way for a lot of us to actually have active marriage ministries honestly. And so I’m just so thankful for all that you guys have done. But they do not want us to make them sound old. They are not old.
Paul Byerly:
You’re not. We’re in our 60s. We have gray hair.
Kate Aldrich:
We can we can.
Paul Byerly:
It’s okay to be old.
Kate Aldrich:
Gray hair is glorious and I do not think of you as old at all.
Paul Byerly:
Yeah, we’re just delighted in it is. It is literally our joy to open the door for other people who are doing ministry. There is such a need for people out there, so we’re always on the lookout, you, betcha.
Brad Aldrich:
That’s so awesome and we’re so excited just to see God opening this door for us to be working together. I’m so excited for that. And I hope that there are some of you listening who are going.
Brad Aldrich:
man, this sounds like what we’ve been asking for for a long time, because I know there are so many people out there who are wondering if there’s more wondering if there’s more joy, more intimacy, more connection, and they kind of come back to this question of, well, nothing’s wrong, so then they don’t do anything about it, and I think what Paul and Laura, you guys represent is this opportunity for fullness, for more for greater of like hey, yes, there are sometimes problems that we can help, but sometimes it is just hey, how do we help you go through that next stage, that next part, and finding that greater intimacy? And I know that’s going to be such a huge gift to many people.
Lori Byerly:
Absolutely so when you ask us what we want to discuss with couples, what we’d like to coach on that’s one of them is how do you go from a good marriage to a great marriage? It doesn’t have to be broken to make it way better. So that’s something we would love to do. That’s fantastic.
Kate Aldrich:
And don’t like, don’t settle for good Cause. I remember there was a phase we were like, okay, well, this is better, at least because we had a lot of struggles similar to at least the same, um same subjects you’re talking about sexual intimacy and everything and we got ourselves to a better place and I think we were both content to be like, well, this is so much better. But then I feel like the Lord revealed to us like no, there’s.
Kate Aldrich:
There can be so much more than just settling for these kind of good cycles that we mainly stay in, kind of thing. So, yeah, so don’t just settle and be brave and ask what could it look like to go from good to great?
Brad Aldrich:
That’s awesome To go from good to great, that’s awesome.
Lori Byerly:
It’s completely appropriate, sorry, it’s completely appropriate to reach a plateau and take a break, because sometimes it is a lot of effort.
Kate Aldrich:
It is hard work. Sometimes it’s too much.
Lori Byerly:
Yeah, it’s really smart to stop and kind of pull in and group together and get that solidified, but then you can see what else there is. Yeah, keep going, keep growing Absolutely.
Paul Byerly:
But then you can see what else there is. Yeah, keep going, keep growing yeah, absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
So we are going to have the links to Paul and Lori’s websites and ministries in the show notes so you can check those out now. We’ll also have a link to aldrichministriescom where you can get information on their coaching and even fill out a form to get started with them as coaching clients. So we know that they’re going to bring some amazing gifts to many people honestly around the world, and that’s one of the things that we’re just so thrilled with is that, through this amazing opportunity of ministry and having online, we’re offering online coaching and we can really see people from all over and be able to bring this hope and healing into your marriage wherever you’re at, which I think is just so special.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, and before we wrap up with you guys, we have a couple of questions. We just rapid fire ask everybody, so what are you? Guys doing right now to keep your marriage alive.
Lori Byerly:
We’ve talked a lot.
Paul Byerly:
We’ve learned to talk very openly the other thing is is is we do kind of have a bucket list, things that we want to do together, and and so we have fun. And we also frequently ask each other you know, how are you doing? Is there something you want to do that we’re not doing? Is there something that’s weighing you down? We sort of check in on our individual and couple health. I mean, there was a time we were so busy and I turned to him and I said I’m drifting, I need more of your time. You know, if we can, you know just infrequently, you know, just check in, how are you doing? Yeah, and, like I said, we have a lot of fun. We, just we. We look at things that we enjoy and we make time for them.
Lori Byerly:
We’re very intentional. We’re intentional about sitting outside. You know, looking, we live in a beautiful place and happily sit out there. We’re intentional about that. We’re intentional about being sexual. Yeah, we’re intentional about going out with friends, um so good, just the things that we love.
Kate Aldrich:
We make sure they have. I love it. That’s awesome, um. Next, what is something that makes you laugh right now? What brings you guys joy?
Lori Byerly:
our crazy pets also our grandkids.
Paul Byerly:
Oh my gosh, they’re five and eight or something like that, and they are hysterically funny.
Lori Byerly:
They are they’re 150 feet down the road. I’m surprised they haven’t knocked the door. While we’re here, we see them multiple times a day they could have joined us.
Kate Aldrich:
That would have been amazing.
Paul Byerly:
They they come up for. We have these little chocolate truffles in our fridge, so every day they come up for a chocolate truffle and they have all imaginations and they’re, they’re just lovely, yeah and I’ll put in a plug grandparents, take your kid, your grandkids, once a week.
Lori Byerly:
We leave them for two hours on sunday night to give our kids a break they call it date night.
Kate Aldrich:
They love it yes, oh my goodness, we already talk about that and how we want to support our kids that way as much as we can.
Brad Aldrich:
So that’s really good, I love that and I love my grandparents were such an important part of my life.
Kate Aldrich:
I love that they come and get chocolate truffles from you. That’s amazing. All right, what is something fun or funny that happened at your wedding?
Lori Byerly:
It’s got to be the bed.
Paul Byerly:
Oh well, you can tell that story. I’ll tell another one.
Lori Byerly:
But we, um, she was driving a station wagon. I had a car, magia, which is a t-look car, and her house was between my house was my apartment was between where we were going to be living, where she was, and the church okay, so we cleaned everything out of my apartment.
Lori Byerly:
I left a mattress on the floor and a couple things, other things. So on the the way to the church, she came by in the station wagon. We threw the mattress in the back of the station wagon and went. Okay, so driving away my sister, oh, look they have a bed in the back. They’re ready. Oh, my word, I didn’t even think about that. No, we never crossed our minds that we were leaving the wedding with a bed in the back of the car.
Paul Byerly:
Well, the other thing is we had a gentleman show up and thought he was going to be in Escher, so I had to take apart a corsage and build him a little boutonniere and redo the thing. I don’t know.
Lori Byerly:
She’s in there making two corsages out of one. That’s amazing. I love that.
Brad Aldrich:
It seems prophetic that there was a marriage bed in the back of your station wagon.
Paul Byerly:
There we go, we’re ready the marriage bed.
Kate Aldrich:
All right, Last last one what is something that you guys are doing and it can be individual or together that brings you rest?
Lori Byerly:
Sabbath.
Paul Byerly:
Yeah, we take a day off every week and for us it’s the middle of the week because that’s when we can. On the weekends and that sort of thing, there’s too much going on. But we, literally we don’t do any work. We play, we rest, we talk.
Lori Byerly:
We don’t blog, we don’t, you know, we’ll read the comments, because if they go up in flames that’s worse than an ox in a well, but yeah, that’s so good and so important.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, thank you guys so much. Yes, thank you so much.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s been a pleasure to talk with you guys and I’m just so excited to see where God goes and growing this and what you have to offer so many couples. Absolutely, we’re excited about the future.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, for sure.
Lori Byerly:
We’re thrilled to be joining your growing group of coaches. Very excited about that, offering to the public.
Kate Aldrich:
We are excited to have you guys. For sure, For sure.
Brad Aldrich:
Well, this has been great. We are so excited to be starting this series of podcasts because we’re going to be introducing some of our other new coaches as well, so stick around for that and until next time, on Still Becoming One. I’m Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:
And I’m Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
