Breaking the Silence: Healing from Sexual Abuse Together
Full Episode Transcript
Brad Aldrich:
Let’s start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, it feels like it’s been a little while.
Brad Aldrich:
It has been a little bit a while A little bit a while. We’ve taken a couple of weeks off and kind of getting ready for school and family stuff here.
Kate Alrich:
Yes, we have Yep. We’ve had to take another hiatus and focus on different things, but we’re back.
Brad Aldrich:
Yes, we are, and we’re really glad to be back and talking to all of you about marriage and ministry and our health and our story and just continuing to explore how we can grow in our relationships both with each other and with God.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, I think our topic today is I’m really excited about because well, that sounds bad.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m excited about because I think that, as we meet with couples more and more, there’s one or both in the relationship where this topic has impacted them staggering when we start looking at the statistic that one in four women experiences some forms of sexual abuse, and they’re looking at about one in five or one in six men that experience the same right, and that’s the ones who say something yeah, that’s the ones who report it.
Kate Alrich:
So right, we know that it often goes unreported yeah, absolutely, but it deeply impacts people and ends up coming out many times, many times it’s already come out yeah between couples, but well and all over.
Brad Aldrich:
I had a very brave client who is in his upper years. Let’s just put it that way and who told me about his sexual abuse story and I was the first person he told. And he then went and told his brother and a few other people in his life, who weren’t overly surprised, but didn’t know. And so you know, here’s somebody who spent, you know, 65, 70 years of his life with this secret. You know that hurts.
Kate Alrich:
Right hurts Right. Well, and what we are we? We decided to chat about this on the podcast today because our dear friend, lindsay Lotzbaugh, who you’ve heard here as a guest before she lives locally is just a dear friend to us, her and her husband, her husband’s on our coaching team. She preached a sermon, all about this, and we are going to be sending y’all to listen to that because it was so, so good you can see the notes in the link in the show notes.
Brad Aldrich:
We’ll have it in there. Yes. And I want to say I think this is the first real sermon that I’ve heard on the topic of sexual abuse, Like sometimes people will mention it. Sometimes, people like kind of fly by it and going oh, this is one of a lot of problems. Right. But this was a whole message on you know, just the hurt and the pain of sexual abuse and it was really powerful.
Kate Alrich:
It was amazing. So know that, that’s where we’re coming from. But the reason that I decided to share that at that point was she says in her sermon, the average age, and I may not get this exactly right. I think she said it was 51. The average age of disclosure.
Brad Aldrich:
Is in their fifties.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, yeah, I think it was 51 is what she said, right, but that just goes to what you were just saying. Like this gentleman had not shared it with anyone, right? So like people are holding these things and there are lots of reasons from their stories why they’re holding them.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh, absolutely. I think that’s a really important part of you know. What we want to share is just how many people are holding this because, well, they’ve been told or they feel like it’s their fault, it’s something they’ve done wrong, and that they were the target even, and that there’s nothing that can be done. So they might as well just suck it up. Yeah, I think Just so sad suck it up.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, I think.
Brad Aldrich:
Just so sad.
Kate Alrich:
I think, unfortunately, most sexual abuse survivors and Brad and I want to be clear neither of us to our knowledge has suffered sexual abuse to the extent that we’re talking about. I mean, I think every one of us has experienced things that were unwanted and didn’t have a voice for, so we honor that. We have not experienced this, but we find that’s important for us to say. However, I think for many of sexual abuse, survivors feel that it’s really their fault. There are things in their story that have told them that this is their fault.
Kate Alrich:
I think that’s super common and usually it’s in a therapy setting that people are given a voice for no it’s never your fault, but that’s a really hard thing to wrestle with, and if you never share it with anyone, you’re wrestling with it for a long time.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, and I just want to you know we can clarify that, because I’m sure there’s some people listening who are right now going yeah, but it was my fault, right? I was engaged in this, or I even asked for, or that special time, or I, you know, took part in this and those kind of things. And this is the confusing part of sexual abuse, because there’s so much more going on in terms of power, in terms of who has responsibility and really how these things play out.
Brad Aldrich:
And so there is a process that we kind of call grooming, which is how a person who is interested in abusing somebody make sure that they can get them to do something and can get away with it well and sometimes that grooming is very short okay but sometimes it is very long in getting this process, where really part of the process is convincing the victim. They’re the one choosing it.
Brad Aldrich:
That is a grooming process, and and so it works well and people leave the situation going well. I guess I wanted that, and so it leaves this sense that I’m responsible, or I’m at least partially responsible, for this situation. So now I can’t tell anybody.
Kate Alrich:
Right, and there’s the aspect of a groomer is always I shouldn’t say always, often hitting on the care for you way before they get to the sexual even though, as you said, sometimes the grooming process is really short that they’re always hitting on that, and that’s what makes it so confusing, because this person seems to care about you, and that can take on many forms, yeah, Jay Stringer, who we’ve also had on the program, says that in homes where there is abandonment, where kids are left to figure out a lot on their own, it sets the stage for sexual abuse.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah on their own. It sets the stage for sexual abuse. It doesn’t cause it, but it sets the stage, because that’s exactly what the groomer abuser is looking for is somebody who is on their own. In need, In need right, and so then they can play on that need, that need for, and since I work with men, a lot that need for, and since I work with men, a lot, I see often this place where boys aren’t touched held any of that, and then, all of a sudden, somebody comes along and is offering that in a way that doesn’t feel bad at first.
Brad Aldrich:
And so then twists that need in a way that is just so harming. Yeah, yeah. And this is the hard part about sexual abuse, Like the things that happened. Yeah, they’re hard, but it is all the twisting of our needs, the heaviness of the people around us not protecting us or not knowing or not responding. When we are trying to tell and that’s one of the things that we wanted to talk about is even in Lindsay’s story, a little bit of how there was some trying to tell.
Kate Alrich:
Not Lindsay’s personal story, but in what she was sharing from her sermon. Yeah, yes, she touched on which is really important the aspect of when someone does disclose what is done with that. Or maybe they didn’t even disclose, but it was made known that this happened. What do those people that care about you and love you, but it was made known that this happened. What do those people that care about you and love you, what do they do with that? And she takes us through which I love this and I want you all to listen to it because it’s that phenomenal. She takes us through the story of Dinah in the Old Testament, and that may not be a name that you remember, but or maybe you do, but she basically was raped and raped. Then they talk about what the family’s response is and her dad, jacob, his response, her brother’s, and it mirrors what happens a lot of times today.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, exactly, it does.
Kate Alrich:
Like Jacob, is silent to his daughter, and silence in the face of something like that what does that tell you?
Brad Aldrich:
He is silent. But there is also this place where really, the only answer he gives is this idea of you’re going to shame the family and, because there’s this place, of sending out her brothers to help her and some of that, but then it’s more about protecting the family than it is about protecting Dinah.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, it’s interesting you interpret it that way. I think that’s definitely an option. I think, yeah, I think what do we need when this atrocity has happened to us? We need people not to be silent. We need people to understand what’s happened to us and ask what do we need? And get us help and stand up for the injustice that’s happened. And there’s a whole bunch of things that happen as a result of Jacob’s response, the brother’s responses, but all of it kind of leaves Dinah in the dust and we don’t actually hear much from her. Like we don’t hear anything.
Brad Aldrich:
Anything.
Kate Alrich:
Which is, as I said, I just feel like Lindsay brought out so much. It mirrors what happened so many times today. Yeah, Right, and it may not be exact, but and she’s talking about that, and then what do we do with that? Because that’s in the Old Testament. And for sexual abuse survivors, I know. One of the things that I hear often is where was God? Like, how do I reconcile that a God that loves me not only allowed this to happen, which that’s a hard thing, but also like, does he still love me? It impacts so many things.
Brad Aldrich:
Absolutely, absolutely, and it shifts our thoughts about safety. It shifts our thoughts about relationships, certainly, thoughts about trust and even these things about, like we were talking about before, about touch and about what it feels like to be touched and held and how that is used against you. Yeah. And so there’s all of these elements that happen that make it very hard for people just to put it behind them.
Kate Alrich:
Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
And I think that is often the word that people give. I’ve had situations where family did know, family did find out for one reason or another. Either they told them or found out. The loving family trying to respond often ends up saying things like well, let’s just put this behind us, and not really knowing how big of an effect this has in people’s lives.
Kate Alrich:
But what we’ve done there, too, is we’ve now caused a different trauma, and my experience has been and this is not everyone by any means dealing with the trauma of being sexually abused. It is a journey, it is a grief process. There’s so much in it. But dealing with not being heard, not being validated, not being cared for, or completely telling someone they’re wrong, or trying to rewrite the story of like I’m sure it was just you know, normal uncle, giving you normal.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, right, like those kind of things, like kinds of things protecting the abuser. All the time. That trauma is often harder to reconcile oh, yeah, than the actual physical abuse yeah, absolutely that trauma of I tried to tell the people who should protect me and they didn’t is a huge part of of trauma. Yes, yeah. So I think all of those things go into part of the message that we want people to hear, whether you have a story like this in your journey, or maybe your spouse has some of this story. Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s something we need to pay attention to. We need to recognize that the woundedness does not just go away because it happened 15, 20 years ago and it takes time, it takes healing, it takes a rebuilding of trust, and one of the things that we say and you’ve heard us say this when it’s something like when we’re dealing with betrayal trauma, we talk about how that betrayal can pop up at random times well down the road from a healing place.
Brad Aldrich:
I think this is very true of you know, the same thing happens in the betrayal of sexual abuse, that it can be years and years later and they enter a different part of life or they just something happens that brings back some of those feelings and they have to go through some healing again. And. I think it’s super important, as either the person who’s needing to recognize those emotions or as the partner, to be supportive in that place of going. It’s okay that this happened. Yeah.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, but is that good language? It’s okay that this happened I’m sorry.
Brad Aldrich:
I should say it’s okay that it resurfaced okay, it’s really what I meant. It’s okay that it that it came back yeah um, and that we need to deal with it again. Right like that, that’s not your fault, that’s not like. Why aren’t you over this yet? That’s what I’m meaning. And and get more to that place of hey, how, how can we just walk through this? Again um, is what I was meaning. Yeah, good question.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, I think, yes, and I think couples that we work with like there, there are different things to navigate and it’s very some things are kind of um universal to people who’ve experienced sexual abuse, but also sometimes it is very much based on their story that we help them navigate. You know what feels safe, what doesn’t, slowing things down it. It’s a very unique thing and it can be very frustrating for whoever went through the sexual abuse Because, let’s be honest, it’s a grief process. Something has been robbed from you and just helping couples navigate that is a beautiful thing, because we want to help them walk in freedom in these things, but it’s tough, it’s tough and it’s not. And when I say walk in freedom, it’s not anything you’ve done, it’s the fact that someone else has done something to you and walk in healing maybe?
Brad Aldrich:
yeah, that’s probably better yeah and I will say you know, I I always love the idea, the quote by Dan Allender that he talks about, that healing is not necessarily walking in total freedom or walking in something Total healing.
Brad Aldrich:
Yes, total healing, which we realize that’s not a great word for this, but yes, but it is, you know, sometimes moving forward even with a limp right and you keep going into more joy and into life, kind of going, yes, but this hurts but. And we keep moving forward. I think that’s actually a really beautiful picture of what healing in these situations look like. And while I’m talking about Dan Allender, anyone who loves somebody who has been sexually abused, or if they have that experience themselves, they should be reading Dan’s book the Wounded Heart.
Brad Aldrich:
It’s just such a powerful understanding of how the abuse of sexual abuse has impacted somebody well beyond the physical and trying to understand it from a perspective of what we were talking about, of how touch and how you know our needs are used against us and so then we can’t trust those needs and some of those kind of things.
Kate Alrich:
so I think I think all of that is a super important part of healing from this is surrounding yourself with people who understand sort of slow, like constant level of dysfunction and therefore abuse in their family doesn’t doesn’t have to be sexual in any way, but it has been constant. Because I think when I work with people with story, that’s a really hard one for people to grasp and what I don’t know if you’ve experienced that with people, but when they experience something on a daily level with their family, like it’s not just like a comment here a comment there because I think it very much.
Kate Alrich:
You know, you feel like where is God and all of that which Lindsay does a fantastic job of talking about, up for abuse set up for I can’t say no to things because there is this sense of being told that you are there for men’s pleasure, for your husband’s pleasure, kind of thing, and I think it’s important to mention that that we have a generation of women who weren’t given permission to have words for no, if that makes sense there are so many people that I work with that things have happened in their sexual history because they were told this is kind of what you’re supposed to do, correct, and I’m sure it’s happened to men in a way as well in different contexts.
Kate Alrich:
But I’m seeing a generation of women and it is that purity culture that you’re here for a guy’s pleasure kind of thing, and I don’t know. I just see deep impact with that as well. And I’ve been sending the sermon to people who that is part of their story too.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, I think it is very possible that many, many people have been impacted by what we would call was a grooming process. That never ended in actual physical sexual abuse, but it was still a place of working on changing their brain around their sex and their body. So environments that were very sexualized, homes where people got comments about what their body looked like on a regular basis and those environments that told you that part of your value was in how you looked for somebody else.
Brad Aldrich:
Or what you could do for someone else sexually, or what you could do for somebody else. Yes, and obviously probably families didn’t use that exact language, but that is what was portrayed what’s portrayed, and sometimes it is used in language of like you know, you’re good for this, or like those kind of words do get spoken over people. Like those kind of of words do get spoken over people.
Kate Alrich:
but yes, this attitude of like, well, you have to look a certain way to attract somebody I just know several women who’ve been and in age-appropriate relationships, so understand that part but didn’t feel like they could say no to things. Obviously they grew up learning they needed to say no to sex but to other sexual acts, because this is what a guy needs, this is what I’m here for, yeah, kind of thing.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh, absolutely, and I know guys who grew up with this idea of well, every guy needs this kind of thing. That is just a pressure on them from lots of different perspectives, Sure yeah, absolutely.
Kate Alrich:
I mean, they’re both victims of that. But yeah, and sifting through it, it’s just a very interesting piece of it and I think it’s a part that our generation has to acknowledge and give voice to.
Brad Aldrich:
So I would love to say for like kind of the two different audiences, I think, or maybe three different audiences, of hearing this, I mean one. I know there are some of you out there who this is your experience. You have had sexual abuse of one form or another in your past. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
And my guess is have been told to get over it. You’ve been told that it you know. Okay, it’s in the past. Let’s figure out just how to move past it and be done with it, and we want to acknowledge and honor that that is a hard journey and we want to acknowledge and honor that that is a hard journey and that as having that as part of your story means that it is going to come up from time to time.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, absolutely Kindness towards yourself. You were set up for this. It’s a huge grief process. Be kind and gentle with yourself, but if you find yourself stuck and Lindsay says this at the end of her sermon find, you know, someone to help you sift through this.
Brad Aldrich:
Absolutely Right. Like and and anticipate that it’s going to come up at times, yeah Right, and I think it’s so important that we acknowledge it, because if we can acknowledge, okay, that is a factor then when it resurfaces not if when it resurfaces in our life, we can go.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh okay, I may need to process some more of this, which I really I want to say I’m sorry that we have to keep reprocessing and going through something that happened to you. That is really really hard and unfair, but I think the place of healing, of wholeness starts coming through acknowledging and working on it.
Kate Alrich:
Yeah, and I think remembering I tell people this all the time about their story work and doesn’t need to deal with sexual abuse that we kind of are under this impression and we have to wonder where that comes from in our story, that healing means, once we talk about it and sort of work through it, that it never comes up again and that’s just simply not the case. These things happened to us when our brain was forming. We can change and work with when it shows up Correct, but it does not always mean it just goes away.
Brad Aldrich:
Correct. No, it does not mean, it just goes away, correct.
Kate Alrich:
No, it does not mean it just goes away. And that’s hard right, because I think lots of times people feel like but if I was doing it right, if God loved me, it would. Then it would all go away, it would be healed and I wouldn’t deal with it anymore.
Brad Aldrich:
But I want to give the hope that it’s not like hopeless, that it’s always going to be here and there’s nothing I can do, Because our story does write things on our heart is often the words that we use, Like something in that story wrote some things that you believed about yourself, about other people. Those words are going to pop up. They’re going to show up other places in your life. But as we go through healing, we can recognize those words for what they are and we can start to say, okay, you know, I don’t want to listen to that fear, or I don’t want to. You know, act out of that. Or maybe it’s you know what I need to be kind to myself right now.
Kate Alrich:
Right, that we can do some things different because we recognize the pressure of the past right and I was trying to think, like do we have an example of that? Because sometimes that’s really hard to sort of pin, because sometimes it’s really hard to like, what does that look like? So I was thinking one of the you know what are like some of the examples that I share with my um, my clients, and I think I think I’ve shared this on here Like the biggest theme that I’ve figured out from my story work is I’m too much for people Like that is the phrase that I assumed as a child and then, as an adult, was hearing, but not audibly. If that makes sense.
Kate Alrich:
Like now I hear it, now that I’ve identified it, when something happens, I’m like, oh yep, I feel like I’m too much right now for that person. It happens in my family, it happens with Brad, it happens with my kids, it happens with people in the community and those kinds of things, and so you know, someone could say something to me and that’s what my filter is oh, do I think I’m too much for this person?
Brad Aldrich:
Right.
Kate Alrich:
But the difference is now I hear it and this is way, way like. This is not as potentially no, I’m not going to say that. So I hear it and then it’s what do I do with it?
Brad Aldrich:
Right.
Kate Alrich:
And what do I need to do to take care of myself right now? Right, because when we were kids and that would come up for us, we weren’t recognizing it. We’re kids, we’re trying to strategize, we’re trying to figure out how to be safe and happy and we need to care at that point. So what kind of care do I need right now? Sometimes it’s as simple as just pushing it back Nope, I’m not too much right now, if that person really thinks that they can talk to me about it. Um, pushing back against it.
Kate Alrich:
Sometimes it’s for me, I love taking care of myself with all things warm. Is it going to making a cup of tea? Is it going out and sitting in the sun for a few minutes? Like and I tell my clients all the time it’s actually stepping back and saying I matter right now. Correct, like I matter too, too, not that the other person doesn’t, but most of the time the other person doesn’t even have a clue that they have yeah right, because most and and here’s the problem with our themes and I have some people get stuck here too sometimes they are true, yeah oh, absolutely.
Kate Alrich:
Have I never not been too much for someone? No, like, yes, I have. So that’s part of the problem, because it’s like could I ever have an experience with Brad? Sure, we have guys We’ve been married for 25 years when he’s like that’s a lot right now, right, absolutely.
Brad Aldrich:
So our theme shows up, but I like the idea of what you say, of it goes through this filter, because it is this place of see. I’m at fault, I’m the problem, I’m bad, I’m like all of those kind of things that start to, can recognize and you’re just like spiraling, oh right, To the point where you don’t like yourself.
Kate Alrich:
The self-talk is awful and you’re coping in a way you also don’t like.
Brad Aldrich:
And the idea of story work is taking exactly that that these things have been written on your heart. They’re going to show up, they’re going to try to color experiences today, and our job is to help you to recognize it to see, oh, oh, right, that’s the filter it went into, and why? And then, with that new knowledge, being able to go okay, do I want to act out of that? Do I want to go and change what I’m doing? Do I just need to take care of myself? And now you have options, right, that’s?
Kate Alrich:
the idea. Right, you’re making the decision, because there are some times in my life I have chosen to say hang on. Was that like maybe I don’t use? These words but hey, honey, was that too much right there? There are times I have chosen to engage what I actually thought right there and allow Brad to speak into yes or no or whatever. What do you need right now? What’s going on? And all of that to say it does still show up, absolutely it does still show up.
Brad Aldrich:
Absolutely it does. So a lot of that is for the audience if this has happened to you, but I think it’s some of the same message If you love somebody who has gone through sexual abuse, it is so important to recognize how that story shows up in them years and years later, how it gets reflected, how it gets pulled into the current situation and loving them in that place, right Right, and just being aware of it, being supportive, understanding some of their story and how it impacted them emotionally is so critical.
Brad Aldrich:
So that’s where we do see couples needing to work together to try and figure out each other’s stories and what’s going on in that place. So which, which we love to do. And then, third, I would say if you are a parent, if you are a friend, if you are, you know a parent. If you are a friend, if you are, you know somebody around who hears stories? Of sexual abuse from anyone. Hold them well.
Kate Alrich:
Right.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, don’t minimize. Oh, it was only that you know, oh well, I’m glad it didn’t go further. Don’t do those kind of things. Ask people their experiences, ask people what it was like and grieve with them. You don’t have to fix it, you don’t have to change it. But how you hold that story is so critically important because it’s a huge part of their healing.
Kate Alrich:
I would encourage everyone to listen to this sermon. Whether or not you can think of anyone you know you do, whether you know it or not, have experienced people who’ve gone through this doesn’t matter. It is just such a phenomenal, phenomenal sermon and, as I said, she starts talking about Dinah, but our dear friend ends with Jesus and how he does see these things.
Kate Alrich:
And so we just really, really, really wanted to highlight this. It will be in the show notes and we just encourage you to listen to it and process it and take it in and see what God can and is doing with it for you.
Brad Aldrich:
And, as always, if this is hitting you hard, we would love to hear from you. We would love to help you. We have people on our coachings team who work with men and women who’ve been sexually abused and work with couples who are looking through that healing. So we would love to be a part of your journey towards wholeness. So you can reach out to us at coaching at aldrichministriescom, or our show email here is help at stillbecomingone. So we’re so glad that you joined us today. Until next time, I’m Brad Aldrich.
Kate Alrich:
And I’m Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
