Safeguarding Spousal Intimacy Against Toddler Tornadoes- Full Transcript
Brad Aldrich:
Let’s start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, hello, that was a really quick start.
Brad Aldrich:
Hey, you said go.
Kate Aldrich:
I did, I was like okay. Go means like take the next few minutes to get ready to go. No, yeah, yeah, okay, we’re going we are.
Brad Aldrich:
It is another lovely day, and it is not raining. It’s not raining and I’m glad to have my wife back, so I’m in a good mood. It’s not raining and I’m glad to have my wife back, so I’m in a good mood.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s amazing. I was away taking my niece’s senior portraits from college and it was wonderful. But I do always miss you and wish that you were with us. But we divide and conquer and some kids do better at home.
Brad Aldrich:
There we go.
Kate Aldrich:
Yep, but we’re back together.
Brad Aldrich:
Yep, it was a little bit of a quiet weekend, but it was all right.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, so, speaking of kids, we’re talking more about kids, right? We?
Brad Aldrich:
are not talking about college age yet.
Kate Aldrich:
Not yet, but we’re super excited for her yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
We’re going to continue in our marriage and parenting series. Yes.
Brad Aldrich:
And really why we’re doing this is because, look, we love our kids, right, everybody loves their kids, but we recognize that adding kids to a marriage brings a certain amount of challenges. A marriage brings a certain amount of challenges, and these are things we hear from couples that we work with, couples that we’re coaching. We hear often of like I just don’t have time. The kids need all this. Like, how do we do this together? Right, that really gets to be difficult, and so that’s why we kind of decided we wanted to do this series is just to kind of look at, hey, what are ways that you can actually work towards each other strengthening your marriage during this period of time that is unique, special and important to keep going. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, because you know, we’ve actually heard people and we have people who come to us after it’s been 25 or 30 years and their youngest is getting ready to move out, and they look at their spouse and they go. I don’t really even know you anymore. Or maybe they realize oh, we’ve been functioning as roommates for the last 15 years and they go. I think we need some help, and so our encouragement in this series is just don’t wait.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, our goal is to celebrate when the last one moves out Heck, yeah, go on a trip. When we launch one off into college, um. But really we mean it in in a very tongue-in-cheek way, like we’re not, we’re not just celebrating that, but it is kind of like, yeah, we are important too and we’re so excited, we’re doing the launching with them, we’re celebrating with them, we’re proud of them.
Kate Aldrich:
but there’s also a piece that that’s important to to us and so we will actually probably cheer, and not to the child, but do some fun things We’ll have like a going away party that just continues after they’re gone. Okay, I was thinking more, we’d go away, but anyways, yeah. So we were talking about toddlers and Brad and I were making our coffee and our tea and we were like toddlers, right?
Brad Aldrich:
So our last episode was about, you know, pregnancy and infants, and this time we were like toddlers, right. So our last episode was about pregnancy and infants, and this time we were on to kind of keep going and go, okay you’ve got toddlers. Now what?
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, like toddler to preschool age, I think when they start to go to preschool kind of thing. Yeah, toddlers are so fun because their interaction with you is so different.
Brad Aldrich:
You can play, you can have fun together.
Kate Aldrich:
And it’s just a really cool fun stage.
Brad Aldrich:
They have temper tantrums and want their own way.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, there are some not so Well, if you think about it and of course I’m thinking about this now without having one, mine are all older.
Brad Aldrich:
Anymore.
Kate Aldrich:
They’re learning to communicate and they don’t always know how to communicate and they don’t always know how to express what they’re feeling. Who’s that sound like Adults? Right, and the thing is for them. They’re still figuring it out and learning. They don’t have the knowledge of how to do it. So just trying to remember that they’re learning to communicate and it’s hard for them.
Brad Aldrich:
It is.
Kate Aldrich:
I think is important. I do know when I was a mom with three toddlers it was hard to keep that in perspective.
Brad Aldrich:
Of course it is right, is right you’re like but here’s the challenge is toddlers, you know, take up time differently yes then they, then, you know, the infant counterparts we were talking about last time well, and they still need to be watched.
Kate Aldrich:
They, they don’t know their own boundaries. They don’t know what they can get into and what they can’t. It’s a very exhausting stage yeah I remember when we had toddlers and like going to people’s houses and it was like this is worse oh my gosh we just stay home like we have our house kid-proofed. When you go to somebody else’s house, you have a toddler. You just follow them around the whole time, right?
Brad Aldrich:
you’re like, right, this is awful, yeah, but and and I think that’s part of the challenge is how do you create some space that you can actually think, because at times it feels like all you are doing is chasing toddlers. Yeah. Right, and that can be really, really challenging. And you know, I think the challenge as a couple is how do you create some space outside of that identity? Yeah. And recognizing that the role of wife and husband does not need to wait until they go to sleep.
Kate Aldrich:
Oh, okay, you know, I’ve seen on social media those showing in the I don’t even know what era it was, where they would put cages on the windows.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, right and it’s just like let your kids get some outside time. Just shut the window and keep them out there for a while. I don’t think we can recommend that.
Kate Aldrich:
I mean, I was actually like whoa people did this, but it would give you some marriage time. You know, as your kids like out in their window cage.
Brad Aldrich:
Okay, but there you know what. There are some things that we did that created some space for us, and I want to start with what I was saying of like the fact that we’re husband and wife and that we love each other. Should not just wait until they’re asleep in order for you to express that well, like your kids actually need to see some of that.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, that too. But if you wait to express it when they’re sleeping, you’re gonna be exhausted, right?
Brad Aldrich:
but I think that’s what a lot of couples do they’re in mom and dad mode when the kids are awake and then they finally put them to sleep. And then the story I hear all the time is well, I had to lay down with him and I kind of fell asleep too.
Kate Aldrich:
We get it, and then it’s like yep that was it. We had three toddlers at the same time because of our adoption, our kids were so close in age and so we know, like, what it means to have, you know, be outnumbered in toddlers, basically, and to you come home and feel like, oh, I got another set of hands, like this is super helpful. But, yes, I think trying to super helpful.
Brad Aldrich:
But, yes, I think, trying to interact with your toddlers together, trying to, um, continue to give each other hugs and well, and, in fact, one of the things that that I did, we did you know, at some of this, you were working outside the home, primarily, and I was in school. But then for some of this, a large part of it, I was working and you were home so we we flip-flopped there at some point.
Brad Aldrich:
So I mean, one of the things I was just remembering was that whole coming home thing yeah right, whoever was coming home, it like there is this immediate, you know, mommy from mommy from the kids or daddy you know, that they want to swamp you. They want all your time and attention and focus, and it’s so amazing and special and wonderful, and you should enjoy that space and time. But one of the things that we did was go, you know, first hugs go to mommy, right Like if I was coming home. I’m going to go find her first. And, yes, often I had you know someone hanging on a leg.
Brad Aldrich:
Creatures hanging on a leg, but it was so it kind of became a game, but it did communicate. Hey, you know she gets my time and attention first, which I think is a special and important message that starts to get communicated. You did something with our maybe a little bit older toddlers where you taught them, instead of mommy mommy, mommy, mommy you know that annoying game to try and get your attention. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
You had them come up and put their hand on your arm. That was if I was talking to someone, If you’re talking, if you’re busy if you’re talking to somebody, they would come and put your hand on your arm and you would put your hand on theirs until you were done talking and then, you would give them your attention, like learning that space, and I remember doing that one and that. Let us actually finish sentences.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, it doesn’t mean you finish the whole conversation.
Brad Aldrich:
No.
Kate Aldrich:
They’re toddlers. But how annoying. You can’t wait that long.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m just thinking you know how many times that we were trying to have a conversation and they would interrupt and you couldn’t even get through a thought, couldn’t? Get through a sentence and just teaching them that pause for 10 seconds. Right, it helped, right. Yeah. To keep you able to have a conversation as a couple.
Kate Aldrich:
Right and so, yeah, I think that’s what’s important here. Like, the focus on the marriage isn’t necessarily things you would think it would be that give you that Now. I would obviously do that with other adults too If I was talking to a friend. Now, I would obviously do that with other adults too If I was talking to a friend. They would learn to do that as well. But those things actually benefit your marriage, because there are things that are applicable for you to when you’re having a conversation, when you’re. You know we also, when our kids could do it, we would, and we’re not ashamed to admit this we would use the TV.
Kate Aldrich:
Oh yeah, to like when Brad would get home from work we would use the TV for like 10 minutes so we could like just touch base, see how our days were, all that kind of stuff and our kids.
Brad Aldrich:
didn’t you go watch VeggieTales or whatever right?
Kate Aldrich:
Now we’re dating our VeggieTales Like we’re dating ourselves. They wouldn’t watch a ton of TV, and so that would. They were always just so enamored that they got to do that at that time that it really did give us 10 minutes of undivided time, and they were always within sight while they were toddlers. So know that, like we would sit in the kitchen and they would be in the living room which we could see them, it’s not like we abandoned them for hours. So you know, just things being intentional, when they’re toddlers, that it can all sort of get, you know, swept up into this flurry of taking care of them because it is exhausting and then it feels like I don’t have time for a date night. Yep, right, because that’s the only thing we can do to nurture our marriage. No, there’s so much that we can do that teaches our kids, that prioritizes our marriage. That are just these little nuggets of things that we can do.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, time and space. And I remember one that you do, and I don’t want to make this sound like we had it all together. In fact, some of these things came out of us going. I am so frustrated by this. What do we do to change it?
Kate Aldrich:
Well, also, it’s worth reminding Timeline when we were starting to be very intentional about our marriage was when our kids were toddlers. Yeah, we had had some rough years.
Brad Aldrich:
I remember one of the things that you did that. I just thought was so special was you redecorated our bedroom? Yes, and you removed all of the kid pictures except for one where they were looking at the ocean which was kind of funny because they were looking away.
Kate Aldrich:
You love to tell people that. I love that. I just think it’s hilarious. We don’t actually have that picture in our bedroom anymore. We’ve moved houses since then, but yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
And then you hung up like our wedding pictures. Again you hung up like us stuff. Yeah. And we very purposefully made our bedroom our oasis.
Kate Aldrich:
Right. I think a lot of times we can get focused on which is understandable, our common spaces, because, especially as moms if if the mom is stay at home could be dad too. Like that space, being chaotic, is really tough. Understandable completely. But I I don’t even remember where I heard this, but I heard someone talking about it and challenging like why wouldn’t your bedroom for husband and wife be their oasis?
Kate Aldrich:
be, their space. That’s like not chaotic and I kind of tried to shift things. I was never a huge like the living room had to be picked up completely, but it was nice sometimes with toddler toys to like, oh, we can see the floor again and there’s not. You know, you’re not sitting on something on the sofa and but. So I did still do those things. But I started to have a mindset of our bedroom should be that way first, before everything else, and that was really helpful because it meant we had a space. That was always mostly. I mean, you know we’re human and piles of clothes and stuff happen and all that. But it was just kind of picked up mainly and, yeah, decorated in a way that made it just about us.
Brad Aldrich:
But what that meant was when we finally got them in bed and we were a big fan of early bedtimes, but when we finally got them in bed, Because they needed it.
Kate Aldrich:
We all needed it, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
We would be like yes, let’s retreat to our room and it’s just us.
Kate Aldrich:
Right.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, and this goes along with we, as soon as we were able to taught our kids that mom and dad’s bedroom door need knocked on.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, and I I was trying to think about that. I don’t know that that was toddler. It wouldn’t have been toddler age. That’s probably our next, maybe, maybe preschool like we started and each kiddo. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where each kiddo you know, if we still had a three-year-old, they may not be expected to knock where the six-year-old was Because, you know, trying to get a three-year-old to understand that concept was difficult.
Brad Aldrich:
So, yes, the oldest kiddo was expected to knock and the youngest was not Right and teaching them some boundaries and learning that and those are important lessons that need to start somewhere and they’re easier to start younger and teaching them. Yeah. And then you get a good door lock just because, knocking doesn’t always happen.
Kate Aldrich:
You make sure when you shut it that it latches Right.
Brad Aldrich:
Brad Shush, we won’t talk about that Because knocking doesn’t always happen and you make sure when you shut it that it latches, that it latches Right, brad Shush, we won’t talk about that.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, yes, yes, we will. The only incident we ever had was someone walking in on us, was someone thought the door had shut and latched he had it locked, it was locked, but it wasn’t latched.
Brad Aldrich:
And it was our youngest who didn’t have to knock yet, didn’t know how to knock, or didn’t know knocking yet.
Kate Aldrich:
Fun times, yeah, but yeah. The other thing I was thinking about that we did to keep our room that way. This is more again about keeping the space that it could be something that was our adult space, because that’s the thing when you have toddlers, it is just, you know you don’t have an adult home anymore.
Kate Aldrich:
Um, we just had the expectation. I hate to use rule, cause that sounds so. Things did happen, guys. We lived a very normal life. Our kids were not rules oriented, like, but we said you can bring anything into our room, like if we’re all in there or I’m getting ready for the day, of course, our kids came in and out. Um, you can bring anything into our room, but anything you bring into our room leaves with you, right? So don’t bring all your toys or stuffed animals.
Kate Aldrich:
You know you bring your coloring book. You’re sitting on my floor coloring. It doesn’t stay in my room. You take it back out with you and and the kids really got used to that Like so sure, bring in whatever you want. You got blankie, fine, but blankie goes out with you, and that was really helpful.
Brad Aldrich:
That’s good.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, it just kept our space, kind of our space.
Brad Aldrich:
The other thing that we really had to navigate at this point was figuring out date night again. Was figuring out date night again Because you know we had done it a lot when we were obviously dating and then young married. We were intentional about time together. But then, you know, with that infancy stage like we talked about last time, a lot of that needs to go in the background a little bit right and you can be as intentional as possible, but it’s really hard.
Brad Aldrich:
And then it is in this toddler stage that you start figuring it out. Yeah. And sometimes you have grandparents, sometimes you have friends that you can swap with and actually get out. Mm-hmm. But I hear from so many couples and this is where we were that that just was not always the possibility. Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, and I think that we did a lot of things. We did our dinner date nights, which we’ve talked about before, which was where we were really intentional. I think we tried to do it at least every two weeks. Sometimes we did manage it weekly. It just depended where we would sit with the kids when they ate dinner, like a normal family dinner, but we wouldn’t eat and we’d put them to bed and then we would have dinner, just the two of us. It was hot. We didn’t have to cut up anybody else’s food. You’d have to coax anybody to eat their food. We get to have an nice An adult conversation.
Kate Aldrich:
Yes, nice dinner, just the two of us. That was really helpful. Yeah, you know, I think also Our early bedtime I’m not prescribing that, you need to think about it, but our kids needed it. We found if they went to bed at 9, they still got up at 6 am. If they went to bed at 7, they still got up at 6 am, and so we did early bedtimes.
Brad Aldrich:
But that really helps because Gives you a little bit more time.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, it gives you time to. You know, sit outside together if the weather is nice. Yes, definitely, you could watch a show together, those kinds of things. But it it just made it that we weren’t all. We were still exhausted, but we weren’t so exhausted that sleep was the only possible thing right when?
Brad Aldrich:
no, I hear couples who toddlers are staying up till 10, 1030. And I’m like I don’t know how you do it, Like that’s just.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, and everybody makes the decision for what works for them and and kids are different, so I do honor that, but I do think you can try to work your kids back to an earlier bedtime and well, but I recognize, because at that point you were the primary at home stay-at-home mom at that point.
Brad Aldrich:
Um, that was also a sacrifice because that meant they didn’t get like that four o’clock nap. Right, they may take, they may have younger ones took like an early nap, but they didn’t do a nap at like four um, yes, they, they, I mean they did for a while when they’re yeah when they’re when they’re tiny, um, but yes, we did find that or that later nap phased out earlier, but that just worked for us.
Kate Aldrich:
If we let them take a late nap, which none of our kids were super great at, they would then be up till 10 or 11. And so, yes, you’re not wrong, that’s a good thing to call out Like it was a sacrifice in the middle of the day. Yeah. But you know it really made them just ready to go to bed at 7 too, so that helped. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
So yeah, but I think that finding space, finding in-home space for a date like that just says we’re going to be intentional with our time together. I think is so critical for couples to do. Yeah. Right, Because it does that. Those are the times where it’s like okay, we get to actually talk to each other and we don’t have to know.
Kate Aldrich:
Hear bluey in the background, or you know, mommy I need more snack or I, you know all of those kind of things yeah so no, I know our kids never saw it, but it’s the one I hear about now yes, well, and I was going to say early bedtime for us also helped with the fact that if we had a grandparent coming up and helping and we didn’t think, we thought maybe it was too overwhelming for the grandparent to do bedtime. Like I said, we did have three toddlers, although they were really pretty good, um, we could put them in bed and then go out for a little while. Right, we’re tired, so we’re not going to be out forever, but a grandparent could come, and we did that several times.
Kate Aldrich:
Like we would put them to bed and then the grandparents just sitting there, you know, chilling, doing whatever, and then we were able to leave, cause I know sometimes that’s a hard thing, like, oh, they don’t go to bed. Well, for other people.
Brad Aldrich:
Right.
Kate Aldrich:
And so that worked out well for us to kind of do it that way as well.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, so we are a firm believer in the carving out time and date night as a critical thing for your marriage, because if you are not communicating about the normal, you’re not communicating about the things that are going on in your world, the things that you’re thinking about and doing. The things that are going on in your world, the things that you’re thinking about and doing if you’re not trying to have some fun together. It is really hard to get to the deeper emotional, connected intimacy. We sometimes need to talk about the little things first.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, and toddlers, it’s just such a unique. I mean, every stage is such a unique stage. We’re probably going to say that every episode. But it’s a unique, exhausting stage. It’s different exhaustion than infancy, because infancy is just they need you for everything. But toddlers are exploring their world and it’s so cool to watch. But it’s exhausting because they need watched all the time. You can’t just leave them on their own. So, but it’s not a time to start losing the connection you and your spouse have.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah right, but I think that it very much can be, and well, I’ll tell you what home parent, what happens, go ahead I was gonna say the stay-at-home parent, I think, which is mainly moms, but the other parents, and mainly the dads, feel like their wife is just consumed with it all and and that’s not, should not be a blame thing, because she kind of is. It’s not like your work job where you get to leave at five and probably still have thoughts to think about and all that, but it can be where it starts to take over our lives and our kids become all that we think about and focus on, and I think that’s you know. What we’re trying to get you to think is how can you keep that connection and be very intentional and even if our ideas don’t seem feasible for your family, let it start a discussion of like okay, what could it look like for?
Kate Aldrich:
us.
Brad Aldrich:
Because what I was going to say is I think sometimes we have in our head well, once they’re all in school, then, I’ll have more time, then I’ll be able to get ahead of these things, or maybe that’s when we’ll figure out how to do dates better, that kind of stuff, and we have that idea, sure, but what we’re going to be talking about next episode is that school age kind of thing and some of the things that end up happening that rob you of that if you’re not intentional.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, yes, and that’s the thing. We can keep putting it off for every stage, or we can be intentional in every stage of what can it look like?
Brad Aldrich:
It’s not going to look like it’s not going to be perfect.
Kate Aldrich:
It’s not going to look like it does for us right now, with teenagers and two young adults in college, Like it’s just not and we can’t expect it to look that way. But we can say what can it look like?
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Brad Aldrich:
And and yes, there’s the hope and the dream that, like this stage is pretty cool with being able to like do what we want, and so we always say and I’ll probably say this in another episode like we dream about our kids having healthy relationships, healthy marriages, right, we want them to go and find a great spouse for them. Well, they learn that from you, right? Like so do they see you valuing your spouse? Do they see you valuing your spouse? Do they see you valuing your marriage? Do they recognize when you know? Okay, people complain, I don’t want to fight in front of the kids. It’s actually not that big of a deal to have an argument in front of the kids, but make sure they see that you make up too right.
Brad Aldrich:
Like. So if there’s a you know argument, obviously we don’t want it to get huge in front of kids because that gets scary. But if that happens it’s like just don’t then hide behind closed doors to make up right.
Brad Aldrich:
Let them see that the whole process happens, that, yes, sometimes there’s conflict in the marriage, but we love each other and we’re going to work through it and we’re going to be okay. Right, like. These are all lessons kids actually need to learn in order to figure out how to have a healthy relationship later. Right, so you are the parenting model, which means you’re the marriage model. Yeah, so don’t forget that.
Kate Aldrich:
True, yeah, that’s a good point.
Brad Aldrich:
Okay, well, I hope that gives you some ideas, some things to get through this.
Kate Aldrich:
Fun, exciting, tumultuous.
Brad Aldrich:
Tumultuous. Yes, I hope that that gives you some ideas to get through this tumultuous and difficult stage. That is a joy and a fun thing, but can often when in doubt. Just feel like a terror of toddlers.
Kate Aldrich:
When in doubt, find out where you can get someone to install a cage on your window.
Brad Aldrich:
Because apparently that was a thing at some point. That is not a suggestion from us, I just don’t understand why that was ever a thing.
Kate Aldrich:
Who does that?
Brad Aldrich:
I don’t know, but it’s all good.
Kate Aldrich:
No, I don’t think it was, but okay.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh trauma no.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, seriously, oh man.
Brad Aldrich:
I hope you enjoyed this. If you have other ideas around toddlering and how to get through that, and keep your marriage strong, man. We would love to hear it. Stop by our social media at stillbecomingone on Facebook or Instagram.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay, yeah, we would love to hear you. Yeah, for sure.
Brad Aldrich:
Well, until next time, on Still Becoming One. I’m Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:
And I’m Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
