Turning Dark Years into Light: Lessons from Barbara and Mark Case
Full Episode Transcript
Let’s start the conversation. Hello there, everybody. Welcome back to Still Becoming One. We are really excited to continue our series of just having some of our friends on the podcast and talking about marriage ministry. And again, we’re just so excited today to have another wonderful guest on Well guests. Guests on so.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, we are. We love introducing you to different people out there and what they’re doing in the marriage ministry world, and we got to know this couple a little bit through when Brad and I went through Dan Allender’s NFTC. The wife in this pair amazing pair was in my group and just so thankful to get to know her and get connected with them and then heard that they do marriage ministry and so we were just so excited. So we are sharing with you today, barb and Mark Case, and they have been married for 35 years, which is just phenomenal, I know and they have four adult children, so they’re even kind of in the next. We love it too, because they’re kind of in the next stage of parenting.
Kate Aldrich:
So it’s always super helpful for us to have those people in our lives, as we’re kind of just entering that stage. But they, yeah, they’re going to share with us their how they got into marriage ministry and just what they’re doing. But we’re so excited to have you guys with us today. They’re just yeah, they’re just amazing people. So welcome Barb and Mark.
Barbara Case:
Thank you, good to be here with you.
Kate Aldrich:
So tell us a little bit about how you guys got started. I always think it’s fascinating to see the progression and how people end up in marriage ministry.
Mark Case:
Yeah, well, I guess, beginning at the beginning. I got married in 88. And I think we characterize our first five years of marriage as blissful ignorance.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay.
Mark Case:
Yeah, and what we mean by that is is that we were learning ways of relating and dancing that were informed by our family of origin stories and those dances and ways of relating weren’t really healthy. Um, but because there wasn’t a lot of pressure on the early parts of our marriage, we were relating was left unnoticed.
Barbara Case:
Okay.
Mark Case:
But then, year five, we moved across the country. I started graduate school, we had our first child, okay and we went from double income to Almost no income. Yeah, living on a graduate student stipend.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay.
Mark Case:
And the wheels started coming off the cart. Yeah, okay, so there was a four year period that we call the dark years. That really ended us.
Barbara Case:
It was pretty rough yeah.
Mark Case:
I mean, I don’t even. I mean, I think there were stretches there where we didn’t even really like each other that much. Yeah, yeah.
Barbara Case:
But we were committed, we did it.
Mark Case:
Yeah, I mean that actually, yeah yeah, if we wouldn’t have had a commitment, yeah yeah, we probably would have called it quits, yeah, and a complicated story how we got to the other side of that storm. And a complicated story how we got to the other side of that storm, but once we got some altitude, I think one question that we sort of asked was I wonder what would have been helpful for us in those five years of marriage to helped us avoid some of that pain.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s a great question.
Mark Case:
And when we were asking that question, we were simultaneously. We had transitioned to working with undergraduate students.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay.
Mark Case:
And that’s a time in life where they’re thinking about relationships and the possibility of getting married, and so we were getting asked to do premarital counseling and do weddings and so that kind of you know, it was the convergence of us asking that question and the sort of opportunity on the table to begin to explore that stuff. I think at the same time also we were we were reading people like Dan Allender, Larry Crabb and doing personal exploration of our own family, of words and stories and how that was impacting things.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Mark Case:
So that was sort of the very, very beginnings, proto beginnings, if you will. Yeah, um, cause we didn’t have an idea of a, of a, of a marriage ministry. As much as we’re in a context and we want to help people, back to California and move back to California and then up to the San Francisco Bay area and we stopped working with um, um, college students and now we’re working with 20s and 30 somethings okay and now we’re working with people that are, um, that are very much either getting married or being married and trying to figure out what that looks like, and so children yeah, and so probably less um premarital kind of stuff and more like early marriage stuff.
Brad Aldrich:
Okay.
Mark Case:
Like getting married and like, is this what it’s supposed to look like? You know, some things are not working and so people would come to us and ask for some help, sort of you know, early marriage, mentoring kind of stuff, yeah, and started helping some folks and then we’d help those folks and then they would bring their friends and say, hey, you helped us, could you help our friends? And at some point we thought, ok, probably the best thing for us to do is some of these folks we’ve helped. Maybe what we need to do is, since they’re embedded in these relational networks, to be able to help their friends. They’re well situated. Let’s see if we can figure out some way to, you know, begin to give them some tools and a sense of confidence and being able to just be, alongside people as they’re figuring things out early in marriage.
Mark Case:
So at some point we decided, okay, let’s bring three or four of these couples together, do like a weekly meeting, and we thought probably the best way to do it, since for us we didn’t have like a formula or a process. What we had was this big bag of tools we very intuitively used. Right, it’s all improvisational, you know just in the moment, what are people talking about, you know what’s, what’s the right tool to use, kind of thing. And so, uh, we thought, okay, we’ll just kind of think about it that way.
Kate Aldrich:
So we brought people together and what made the most?
Mark Case:
sense was pick a couple, Start working with them family of origin stuff, what’s coming up, conflicts, all those kinds of things and we’ll have the other couples observe and then we’ll sort of comment on what’s happening.
Kate Aldrich:
Okay.
Mark Case:
So that was sort of the start, but what happened was really unexpected, which was we immediately saw the level of efficacy in being and doing this in a group was like impact was exponential. It wasn’t additive, it was exponential. It was like, oh my gosh, it’s not just that we’re helping you know the couple that we’re talking with, but the other couples are, you know, magnifying the process significantly.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Mark Case:
One of those couples was going to a local church and talking about what was going on and I guess the pastor at their church said hey, could you know to the couple that was part of this thing do you think? You could do that here. So they came back to us and said, hey, we’ve been asked to maybe try to do some of this kind of stuff. You know, with some, with some groups in our church, and we thought, well, okay.
Mark Case:
And our good friend, matt Dorn. Matt and Grace Dorn were part of this group and he had a background in curriculum design, okay, and so we set upon the task of actually just meeting with him and talking about things we’ve done, things we were doing, and he started putting together a process.
Barbara Case:
He pulled it all together Because we didn’t have a process.
Mark Case:
Yeah, and literally we were just a week ahead of this couple that was implementing it in the group and that was the first portion of it and sadly Matt Dorn has gotten to be with jesus, yeah, last summer. Yeah, so that’s how we got the first written version of it.
Mark Case:
Okay, and it’s in the fourth yeah, the fourth edition now, and it’s called storied marriages marriages yeah, and the way I describe it is kind of the elevator pitch, if you will is Storied Marriages is a small group experience with married couples in which we learn how to share and explore family origin stories as a way of understanding and redeeming uh relational, current relational dynamics in a marriage. Okay, so, thinking about the impact of your story and how it’s currently playing out in all your relationships, but especially your marriage relationship, but it does trickle down into your parenting friendships, your parents, all those things.
Barbara Case:
It’s not just, it affects all your relationships once you start seeing the lens right your story impacts all your relationships it definitely does.
Brad Aldrich:
How did you guys come to realize that?
Mark Case:
Right Because that’s a.
Brad Aldrich:
That’s something that I think Kate and I have have learned. I think that is not something I learned in grad school, right Like I went to be a licensed counselor and nobody was talking about that.
Barbara Case:
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
How did you guys learn how much your past, your story, actually impacts your choices?
Barbara Case:
talking about core lies and I had never heard about that. And so that was kind of the first thing that I heard about oh, what’s a lie that I believe, what’s embedded in me, and that started that first like process of thinking about, oh, my story matters, the things that happened to me as a child matters, but it really came from a fight that we had. I think we had had some, some understanding that story’s playing out a little bit, but we didn’t know how to apply it or even think about it in our relationship. And we had this big fight. He was asking me, you know, telling me that he was sorry, and I could not put down my walls and I couldn’t figure out why I was still mad at him because he was repentant. He said he was sorry, that he hurt my feelings and that he did. I won’t get into the fight but because it’s long.
Barbara Case:
But um, then when he was able to recognize the actual driver of his behavior and what he was doing, and it was coming from his story, his pain of wanting to be seen situation and not seeing me, which played into my story of I didn’t feel important, I didn’t feel valued, I didn’t feel like he loved me and it played into my story of my dad and how I didn’t feel seen by him and once we talked about that and understood that it was like my walls went immediately down. We were very close and connected and we can really relate to each other and bring full forgiveness, understanding and kindness and connection with each other and that was such a big aha moment for us and we’re like you know that was just the start and then I think we probably discovered some Dan Allender stuff which opened up more of this stuff for us, but that really launched a lot of the way that we entered into relationship with each other and then also as we were helping other people do that.
Brad Aldrich:
I have said honestly, since the beginning of our marriage ministry, as we’ve met other people, I think the most powerful, most significant marriage ministry voices are those who are coming out of learning from their own struggles, are those who are coming out of learning from their own struggles Because there just is a place of saying you know we get it Like this is not easy, and here is how we found a way through Right.
Brad Aldrich:
And I think those voices are so important because, you know, I think a lot of times we read the marriage books. We read and it’s like everyone’s happy-go-lucky and everything’s perfect and everything’s fine, and it’s like no, this is hard.
Kate Aldrich:
I think everyone had in the marriage many marriage books, and this is not to say they don’t have their place or value, but many times they are about a theory of behavior modification.
Barbara Case:
Oh, totally, and.
Kate Aldrich:
I think one of the best things that I’ve learned from story work is behavior modification only works for a time, because if we don’t understand why we’re doing what we’re doing, we can’t actually address it. Have kindness towards ourselves and figure out a different way to do it.
Barbara Case:
Yeah, totally.
Kate Aldrich:
So, yeah, I think that the resources out there are great and they have some really great value, but they really do point more towards theories of behavior modification than they do anything else. So yeah.
Mark Case:
Well, I like the way you asked the initial question, brad, which is when did you use the word realize? When did you realize your story is having an impact? And I think a really important thing that Barb’s story draws out is the. You can understand cognitively that your story is important for now Because we knew each other’s story and you can absolutely believe that, not have any uncertainty of it. But all that cognitive understanding isn’t going to do you any kind of good in the moment and you’re caught up in your story and being carried along by it.
Mark Case:
Cognitive understanding isn’t going to do you any kind of good in the moment and you’re caught up in your story and being carried along by it. And the thing I would say, or at least one thing I would add to that question when did you realize? I would say, well, we can point to some beginnings of the journey, of that, but the realizing is an ongoing process always, because it’s it’s the experiential or the emotional learning part of that and being able to be present in the moment and being able to go oh right, this is why, right, you know, I feel dismissed by you, or whatever, right, um, yeah, so that’s because it becomes in inbreded in your relationship as you practice this.
Barbara Case:
Right it right, um. It’s the way that you can relate, and I like what you said, too, about bringing kindness. That’s so important to bring kindness to yourself, but also to your partner and kindness and understanding their story and the impact and the way it shaped them and the way it makes them be in the world and the way it makes me be in the world. That’s you’re so right about.
Mark Case:
It’s not just cognitive, it’s so much the emotional impact of it and books can give you a framework, maybe for understanding and maybe some tactical kind of principles, but really the process and experience is the thing that creates change.
Brad Aldrich:
I’m going to throw this maybe challenge question at you guys, because you guys have been doing storied marriage for a while and helping couples to hear each other’s stories and, as Kate and I have started exploring that with each other, but also with other couples that we’re coaching, there are times that people get the light bulb of like, oh, the reason they’re upset at me right now isn’t because of what I did, it’s because of their story, but sometimes I have seen that used as dismissive.
Brad Aldrich:
maybe is the right word of like oh well, they’re just working out of their story. Rather than a place of compassion, it comes in this place of well, you just need to work on that.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s your problem. That’s your problem, because that’s your story, right Like now.
Brad Aldrich:
You’re not actually mad at me, you’re mad at you. Know this situation that happened in your past. How do you move past that level of understanding each other’s stories into what, mark, you were just getting into of true, like compassion and empathy and care?
Mark Case:
I think, um, that, uh, that points to, I think, what I would say, which is part of the secret sauce of story marriages, which is this and we’ve been doing this for over a decade now, so lots of couples tell stories in a storied marriages group, heard one spouse say to another spouse, after they share their story, like I never knew that, I never heard that story before, right so, and the reason is is that, on an informational level, there’s nothing new here.
Kate Aldrich:
They know yeah On an informational level.
Mark Case:
it’s. All those facts were to some degree or other known, right, but what happens is is that that spouse is hearing a story that maybe they heard before. Now, maybe there’s some ways in which it’s told differently, because you know the telling and is important. But, um, uh, in telling that story, um, the, the spouse is sitting in the presence of other people who don’t have a dog in the fight and that story as story, not information. And what’s happening is is that, um, their uh, empathetic circuits are getting activated and they’re feeling empathy and emotions are contagious. And what it does is it opens up for the, for the spouse hearing the story.
Mark Case:
Often for the first time, they’re hearing that story. They’re not hearing a different story, but they’re hearing the story differently, and the way they’re hearing it differently is they’re hearing it empathetically. So now they’re starting to feel the pain that their spouse felt. When that comes up, in most cases, what’s happening is is that empathy is getting activated again and they’re realizing oh, you know, you’re not. I don’t view you as being overly sensitive because you know your dad ignored you. Instead, what I’m feeling is oh my gosh, that feeling you had when your dad did that to you is something I’m invoking in you and I don’t want to evoke that in you. So my posture, is completely different.
Kate Aldrich:
Right, yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
That’s, and that is that next step right it is truly the feeling alongside somebody, rather than the blaming them for what they’re bringing to the marriage because of their story.
Kate Aldrich:
Right yeah, and it’s holding it well and I think we’ve definitely gone through those times. We’ve had to go back and to each other and say I’ve not always held that story well, like I’ve not really honored all that it brings for you and those kinds of things.
Brad Aldrich:
And actually I really appreciate, mark, you saying this is not about finding out the information. It is actually finding out the trauma and the wounds that the information you already knew really created yeah. Because we surface leveled it right and there are definitely stories from us that that happened.
Mark Case:
Sure, Literally feeling your spouse’s trauma.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, and we’ve said you know how often I think Dan Allender says this of how often our trauma situations often become family jokes that then the family stories or families. Yeah, that then the spouse is kind of brought into. As see, this is funny. And just told that way of something that happened to the kid from a young age.
Barbara Case:
Yeah, I mean it kind of begs the question, like what you were saying, though, about what do you do when you’re just meeting with a couple. I mean, we have the opportunity to meet with a group, which really changes the dynamic, but when you’re just meeting with a couple, like how do you teach them how to have that empathy for each other? I mean that’s a big question, because that’s really hard, especially when there’s not a lot of warmth and kindness towards each other, cause they’re in a counseling office and they really need help and they, you know, don’t have, might not have, that ability to do that. What’s your experience? I’ll ask you, like that’s a hard thing, cause I mean, learning to have compassion for yourself is hard enough, and kindness to yourself, and then can you do that for your spouse, which is really an important part of the healing of a relationship. You have to be able to do that.
Brad Aldrich:
Right, I think you know the power of the group often and you said this is you see somebody responding to your spouse, maybe to a story that you knew for a long time, but they’re responding with a you know, wow, I can’t believe that happened. That must have been really hard and you’re like I’ve laughed about this story before right.
Brad Aldrich:
And so it challenges that kind of what I was told often and to really see the depth of it. And so that happens in a group kind of organically. I think when you’re coaching a couple or when we’re coaching a couple through some of that, we represent that group voice to be able to say, hey, wait a minute, there’s more here, and to really pull out what was that situation like. And I’m going to I know I always do this I’m gonna throw my gender under the bus. I see guys struggle with this. The most of that they stay on the surface of this, their own stories and they struggle the emotional surface right yeah right.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah, even if you get to the emotional, it’s the yep.
Barbara Case:
This happened to me and yeah, that was hard and yeah, I was sad, but like they kind of just neuter it right and cut it off and it’s like, no, we need to go to the depth of where that story really took you and you know, go back to understanding yourself of where, what that, because that’s hard to do for a lot of us right To even understand the impact and then to be able to vulnerably share that if you can begin to understand it and so that can evoke in your spouse and empathy and kindness. I mean, when Mark used to tell his story of growing up, he would just say it so, matter of factly, I didn’t even know that it impacted him.
Barbara Case:
I had no idea how much pain he was in because he never presented I mean, he would have anger sometimes, but he never presented his pain and I just was oversensitive because I have a lot of dismissive things in my family and I just was sensitive and that was the story we told ourselves. His story didn’t matter to him and I’m just was sensitive and that’s that was the story we told ourselves. He just his story didn’t matter to him and I’m just oversensitive and until we could understand what was really going on for both of us it changed our lives.
Barbara Case:
It really changed our marriage and changed everything about the way we relate to our kids and people around us, and it’s amazing.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, there’s, there’s a place of being able to enter. You know most Our stories, everybody’s stories, have painful points, wounds, trauma, these, these words that we use and being able to enter into them is huge, but it’s. It’s often, as we were just addressing it’s hard for people I hear what you’re saying. Sometimes there are gender challenges in that. I do find when I work with women doing story work, most times they are willing to go pretty deep, pretty quick not always but it is really this place of like can we acknowledge and give space for the pain.
Brad Aldrich:
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
And we were using this word earlier when we were talking, even before we started podcasting. Can we enter a state of grief for the things that have been lost or missed. Yeah lost or yeah missed, yeah, during our childhoods. Because we’re humans, our parents are humans. They’ve missed things, right? I think that’s probably the hardest thing I have to convince people of. We’re not trying to to decide that your parents are just awful no we’re just trying to acknowledge that they’re not perfect people and you got missed at times.
Brad Aldrich:
And I think that’s so critical. That honor part is so strong that it keeps us from the reality of where things actually impacted us, and I’m sure you guys see that.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Barbara Case:
I see it all the time. But as we’ve parented like we give, I know as a mom.
Barbara Case:
I did a lot of things that I didn’t mean for harm. Sure, I love my children. I did I as much as I could to show them how much I love them, but I did made a lot of mistakes and we’ve given our, our children permission to throw us under the bus, so to say, you know, just explore the ways that we harmed them. How much more did I understand that my parents harmed me and they loved me? They did, you know. But we have to be willing to look at those places in our own lives as we parent and also in our childhoods, and that’s okay. But we don’t. We have a hard time knowing how to hold grief and pain because we want to avoid it and we weren’t made to feel all those things like we talked about earlier before we started recording, but we weren’t made to hold all those things well, and I’m curious, mark, you kind of just said something about this, and I find this is one of the challenges when we work with couples people.
Kate Aldrich:
There is this sort of feeling of, okay, I’ll explore these things and then I will be better and I won’t, these things won’t come up anymore. At least that’s something I hear from a lot of people. And I’m curious because you kind of said it earlier when you said, like this is a lifelong journey. I’m not exactly sure what words you used, but what would you say to that when people are saying, okay, so if I explore these things with you, then they won’t come up anymore and I’ll be able to kind of move on?
Mark Case:
Well, that’s probably where I go. A little neuroscience.
Mark Case:
Perfect, let’s do it, but um, so every time that you share your story and you actually allow yourself to get emotionally activated, so the emotional circuits in your brain get activated, that memory of that story gets reconsolidated. But it gets consolidated with this new information which is telling, re-experiencing the story, the presence of people that were holding space and being empathetic, and in a way it sort of gives your brain sort of new data. It’s like when I’m in those kinds of situations, yeah, it’s bad, but, um, you know, maybe sometimes it’s safe, and so what you find is that, no, just getting it out on the table once, uh, you know other, well, it’s not going to change the way it feels fundamentally, but it begins to move the needle in the direction of this hard thing that happened. But I can still be okay when I’m facing something like that in the presence. So it is a process.
Mark Case:
But the more that we recognize, you know, a particular way our story’s playing out, say in conflict, you know. You know maybe my story involves some level of like. I learned as a kid that like conflict is terrible and it needs to be avoided at all costs. Otherwise, you know, maybe unconsciously, I feel like I’m going to die or it’s never going to be OK again or whatever that internal narrative is. But as we do the work on our story and recognize OK, this is why I feel so bad for me and people understand and I move forward and I start to encounter some conflict.
Mark Case:
My brain does begin to learn over time that it’s not as bad as all that Now. Those original neural circuits will never go away, but when they get activated, the intensity of the emotion and the pain and the threat will lessen over time. Ok, absolutely. So that’s one part of the unfoldingness of it. I think the other part of the unfoldingness of it is, as we continue on this journey, we uncover other patterns and other ways that our stories playing out that have been unhelpful. So, yeah, I mean, I think one of the things that Barb and I really enjoy and benefit from doing story marriages is every time we lead couples through this. We ourselves are fellow journeyers and we are encountering new aspects, new dimensions of, either a story that we thought we sort of understood the ins and outs of and we’re seeing new dimensions of, or a new story is coming to the surface.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s good. We probably should have mentioned, too, that we are currently going through storied marriages with you guys. We were just so excited about it and so we were able to join one of their groups. We were just so excited about it and so we were able to join one of their groups, and even though we’ve done story work ourselves, it’s been, it’s been amazing, it’s been great just to really experience it from the other side.
Barbara Case:
You know we are often in the dark side.
Brad Aldrich:
No, we’re often in a place where Mark just said is we’re fellow journeying with other people.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
And to just be on the side of. Nope, we’re just journeyers.
Barbara Case:
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
You know, that is. I think it’s really special.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, I think it’s good for us to do that Right, like to not only just be, yeah, helping others, but to be continuing to enter into our own story. So it’s been phenomenal and we’ve absolutely loved every minute of it. It’s been such a unique process, so different than anything else we’ve done.
Brad Aldrich:
Oh yeah, very much so, very much so.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:
And along with that, we want to say that Barb is actually coming on and joining Aldrich Ministries as one of our coaches and we’re really excited about that and seeing how she can really impact couples and women who are working through trying to figure out their own stories. So, barb, tell us a little bit about you. Know what brings you to coaching, what you’re excited about, and where you see that going.
Barbara Case:
I just love helping people and helping them understand their stories so they have a better way of enjoying their world enjoying married, having family there’s. So the world is really hard. There’s so many hard things that we’re just facing in the reality of everyday life, but when our stories are impacting that, on top of it, it’s just people are in a lot of pain. So I really like to help people understand their story and understand how it’s playing out and to impact the way that they’re able to experience their life and find joy again and enjoyment and connection and, um, yeah, just having a really good experience of what this life is even in the midst of the pain, and so I really enjoy moms, people that are struggling in their marriages.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, so that’s, that’s amazing, that’s good, it’s so good. Yeah, and Mark, you do your own coaching through your own business, but you more are focused, because we want to give a shout out to you too You’re more focused in business. Yes, kind of niche.
Mark Case:
Yeah, business and professional space, ok, and it’s pretty rare for me to say overtly or explicitly, go back and do family of origin stories, yeah, but I mean, I believe that all any transformation, whether it’s coaching or mentoring or therapy, the same underlying neurological mechanisms at play in all of it, which is a and which, um, you know, past implicit memories are getting activated in the moment and when you’re stuck in a pattern, uh, that pattern is a result of the past. So it’s coaching perspective. It becomes identifying the pattern and thinking about how it is that we, uh that we create experiences that get those that activation of those implicit memories reconsolidated in a way that’s more helpful. Okay, but basically, you know, breaking unhelpful patterns and repatterning a new one, yeah, through things like, you know, mindful awareness and you know all kinds of other things related to the neuroscience of change, basically. So, yeah, that’s amazing.
Mark Case:
Love that.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, and it’s just like a testament it impacts everything, right, right.
Brad Aldrich:
Everything, no matter what we’re doing, we’re going.
Kate Aldrich:
It’s either going to just happen and you’re you’re not going to be aware of what’s happening or why it’s happening Right, or we can learn from it and realize that we can have these experiences where we can honor what’s happening, but we can also choose our involvement in it in a very different way. But that’s amazing. I love that.
Brad Aldrich:
So we are really, really excited about bringing Barb on, because I think you’re going to be just a wonderful, safe voice for so many people. We talked a little bit about story, but also there’s just a place where, Barb, you’ve been through a lot of different experiences in your life from growing up on the mission field to. You know issues and challenges in marriage and parenting, and one of the things that I have admired about you is just how much you are willing just to hold people’s hard stories.
Kate Aldrich:
So true.
Brad Aldrich:
And just being a safe place for people to talk about trauma and to talk about the things that they’ve gone through with somebody who will just be there.
Barbara Case:
Thank you yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
I love that. I would agree, you both have incredible superpowers we are so thankful to have met you guys, to have gotten connected with you guys, to go through storied marriages, to be able to work with you too, it’s just been phenomenal absolutely um we’re so thankful for you guys absolutely we appreciate you guys so much too.
Barbara Case:
What a gift to have met you, kate. It’s so good it’s so good and then get to meet brad and be a part of you guys’ lives.
Kate Aldrich:
We love it. Someday we’re going to meet in person for sure, I don’t know when or where but? We are holding on to that.
Barbara Case:
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:
Well, before we wrap up with you guys, we always do a few fun questions that we haven’t asked you prior to this, don’t worry nothing to you but just to kind of, yeah, see what you guys are currently doing in your lives to bring this stuff about. So number one what are you guys doing right now to keep your marriage alive? I know you have a lot going on, so I think it’s a great question for you too.
Barbara Case:
I feel like we’re really good at letting each other be where we’re, at being really kind to each other and understanding yeah, and offering each other a lot of grace. I mean, we have adult children that have really struggled and it’s caused a lot of pain in our family and there’s some mental illness, and so it’s really hard to stay present with each other and be joyful and play and have fun. But I feel like, in small ways, we are just each other’s person.
Barbara Case:
We just yeah we are safe, we’re kind. We love being together, and it’s just in small ways, whether it’s watching a show together, sitting on our back porch, looking at pikes peak and having a chat, or listening to a book together, just staying connected in ways that don’t have to be big, but just really bringing a lot of kindness to each other where each other is at.
Kate Aldrich:
Yeah, as we’re navigating this world with you know struggles with, yeah, lives and kids, yeah, I think that’s so good.
Mark Case:
I was thinking, uh, I like to throw pottery and you like to paint pottery yeah, that’s true.
Barbara Case:
I was worried you were gonna say you like to throw pottery at barb.
Kate Aldrich:
He’s like I like to throw pottery.
Barbara Case:
I’m like okay, no he actually does it on a wheel. We have a kiln and I love to create with art, with paint and stuff.
Kate Aldrich:
So oh my gosh guys, I didn’t even know that. That’s very cool.
Barbara Case:
Yeah, we have a little pottery studio at our house.
Kate Aldrich:
That’s amazing. I love that. That’s very cool. Okay, next question what, and honoring that, this has been a season for you guys that is kind of heavy and has a lot attached to it. What is something that you guys engage in that makes you laugh right now?
Barbara Case:
He’s really funny. He can, he can, just he lives to say something that catches me off guard, that makes me laugh. So there isn’t something in particular, but it’s just these little things that he’ll say that make us laugh. It’s like dad jokes.
Kate Aldrich:
I’m kind of known for dad jokes I was just gonna say is it like dad jokes?
Mark Case:
yeah, it’s pretty stupid, but yeah, we find levity in it we do have this one little gag that we do, which is, um, uh, I don’t know whether it’s like an old person thing, but um, when we do watch a show, we watch with the subtitles on. Oh, that’s here yeah right and um.
Mark Case:
And when somebody comes in the room, um, because we’re relational right, we pause the TV. Sure, you know we’re talking, or whatever. Yep, and the gag is is that, wherever it’s paused, if you can slip the the line that’s on the subtitle, right, oh, you know the closed caption. You know the closed caption. If you can slip it into the conversation, and they don’t know that you slipped it into the conversation, that’s. It’s just hilarious what did you?
Mark Case:
say right, and then they look at the tv like, oh, you caught me, right dad that’s awesome I love it, but it’s that
Kate Aldrich:
kind of of lighthearted stuff that I think really does add to the laughter and keeps it light. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. All right, let’s see Last question what is something that you are doing that brings you rest, and it can be together as a couple, or separate, or both.
Barbara Case:
I love when we listen to a book together or go for walks in the evening together.
Mark Case:
Those are probably the things I enjoy the most yeah, I really enjoy, um yeah, sitting and listening to a book with you while you’re doing a puzzle like a jigsaw puzzle.
Barbara Case:
Yeah, I guess we are old, you’re not?
Kate Aldrich:
old, oh my word, I grew up doing jigsaw puzzles and uh, throwing pottery definitely gives us too, yeah something about getting your hands really dirty and wet, grounding yeah gosh now
Barbara Case:
I love that now.
Kate Aldrich:
I need pictures, guys I know of all these pottery things. I can’t wait. This is so exciting guys. It’s been so wonderful having you on. You’re such a light in just a space that people need light and, um, yeah, we’re so thankful for you and for all that you’re doing.
Mark Case:
One thing I’ll say just in response to that. I’m getting getting teary, but I mean maybe people will have heard kind of in right between the lines. We’re in a season of life that is externally very challenging. You know our kids, you know when your adult children struggle. I don’t know anything more painful than that, depending on the level of struggle, and so it’s, you know, day in, day out it can feel like a very steep climb. But one thing that I just I don’t even have words, but the fact that Barb and I are connected in it, that it doesn’t drive us apart but it brings us closer together. Yes, like a really, really big deal. Yeah, and we also know what it’s like to be that couple. But the pain that we’re experiencing in our life right now is the disconnection from our spouse and that’s, you know that’s on a tremendously excruciatingly painful level as well. So, yeah, we really have a heart for helping couples really flourish and enjoy this amazing gift that a long-term committed relationship can be.
Kate Aldrich:
Thank you for sharing that.
Brad Aldrich:
I appreciate that so much. Yeah thank you for sharing that. I appreciate that so much. Yeah, well, guys, I hope that you enjoyed hearing a little bit about how story can impact a marriage. A little bit, maybe, some different ideas on story and you know a storied marriage and what that looks like.
Brad Aldrich:
I hope that some of you are really intrigued and thinking, okay, maybe Barb could be a good connection for you, so we would love to see you and there’ll be links in the show notes on how to reach out and get that started and we hope that you will continue to join us for more on Still Becoming One, and until next time, I’m Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:
And I’m Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
